TBK's Barn Life

promise

2010-05-17T11:44:00.001-07:00

Promise me you won’t leave
And I promise I’ll stay forever
Promise that you’ll love me
And I promise I’ll do whatever

Promise me the moon
And I promise you the sun
Promise me the stars above
And I promise you already won

Promise me a wish
And I promise you a dream
Promise me no broken hearts
And I promise you a scheme

Promise me you’ll promise
To do what must be done
But don’t forget, a promise
Can become a broken one.

That poem was inspired by the promise I made to the filly the last time I saw her before she went away: to be back. It doesn’t matter how much you mean what you say: a promise is a promise, and a promise can always be broken.

Anyway, moving on to something more cheerful, I want to clear up some stuff. In my last post, I mentioned lost progress, but I’ve also mentioned (some time ago, really) that the filly was much less shy. That was true for a time, but at this point she’s skittish again, although hopefully not as much as she was before. What I was trying to stress was the broken connection; it was like she didn’t know me. She wasn’t really scared of me, but she wasn’t of anyone. It was like I was just one in the crowd, and that was almost as sad as when I learned she was gone in the first place.

What if I’d known? What if I had known that she was leaving, but in nine long months, I would see her again? It was like my promise had never been broken… only compromised. So is a damaged promise better than a broken one?

Onto the clinic:

I got up at 6 45 and got ready; we left at 8. Once at the barn, I visited with the filly and generally just hung around with the girls at the barn and Bonnie as they readied their horses (Bonnie had already gotten Tonka ready for me, since I couldn’t be there the night before). We left with Tonka and a pony from the barn, Jack, and when we got there, unloaded and groomed and hung around some more while waiting for Jen to arrive (she had to make an extra trip to pick up a horse). Once she was there, everyone tacked up and we headed out to the ring. Basically what we did was practice with different types of jumps, and longer courses. The facility was really nice. It even had a huge covered ring with lights, and footing that was shredded carpets mixed with sand (probably around $600,000 overall), although we didn’t ride there – just walked out our horses. It was amazing. I had a ton of fun. :D Tonka got fast once, but he was pretty good otherwise.
I really need to get better with my leads, though. :( I can’t even check them anymore. I know that I need to be looking for one leg going out further than the other, but I can never tell. It’s so embarrassing. I want to ask Bonnie how to check them, but that’s even more embarrassing – I’ve been riding and cantering for years, and I pick now to tell her I don’t really know how to check my leads? I mean, sometimes I guess right, but others I don’t. I’m just lucky that Tonka always changes them for me if they’re wrong. *sigh*

Well, that’s what went down this weekend. Peace. :)

Love, TBK

written from my laptop, finished 2 44 PM [Mon, May 17, 2010]

a new start

2010-05-16T22:09:00.001-07:00

I owe you all (*waves to empty space*) an explanation. It’s been so long… It feels strange to be blogging again. Strange, but kind of nice. In a weird, unfamiliar way.

This year has flown by so fast. I can’t believe May is already half over – I can’t even believe it’s May. It feels like stuff keeps happening, and I can never catch up. Some of it I won’t say here, since I’ve learned that no matter how much you want something to be private – well, it’s the internet. Nothing’s private. So some things I can’t say… but other than what I can’t tell, I’ll give you the lowdown:
Well, for one thing, I’ve moved this week. We’ve been in the process of selling our home since… well, a while, and I’m glad we’re finally out. I’ve been so stressed out, thinking about money – I still am, but it’s easier not to panic when we’re renting such a nice house for now. It’s by the beach; yay :)
School has been taking up a lot of my time, but I haven’t even thought about blogging; to be honest, I never thought I’d update here again. But I’ve been thinking, and I want a record of this time. Besides, it’s a good way to process my thoughts.

Ugh – I really don’t feel like blogging about RL right now, so I’ll just skip to who I actually do want to write about: the filly. My filly.
For a while after she came back, I was hesitant about approaching her again. I could remember the hurt, and I know that she won’t be here forever. I have no idea how much longer we have. I thought, it might just be better for me to distance myself from her now – build up a kind of wall between us, and block out the hurt. That’s what I did for a couple months – I basically treated her like any other horse.
Then I realized what I was doing. This was the horse I literally sobbed over nine months after I’d last seen her. We had something special, some kind of connection. And to let that go to waste now that I had the opportunity to be with her again was appalling.

One really disappointing thing was all of our lost progress. Before, she was always happy to see me, and came as soon as I called her. Now it was like she didn’t even know me; I couldn’t hold her head, and I most certainly couldn’t call her in and out of her paddock at will. But, over time and the short visits I’ve had with her, we’re slowly getting back to where we were. She changed a little during her stay… well, Elsewhere, but she’s still my pretty girl, and I love her just as much.

Today was a pretty big landmark for me. I went to a clinic with Bonnie, Jen (Bonnie’s trainer), and girls from the barn on Tonka. It was really fun, but maybe I’ll talk about that tomorrow. Anyway, so I had some time at the barn, and I visited the filly.

First, I was in for a shock. Her cut was SO much bigger. It goes through these cycles where it gets very large in the summer, and practically heals up completely in the winter. Bonnie and me think that it’s because of the flies: in the summer, she gets itchy, and rubs her face. Once she reopens her wound, the flies swarm on it, and it itches more. It’s terrible. I wish I could have her – but my family doesn’t have the funds, and more importantly, I don’t have enough knowledge or experience, for that. Still – I can dream, and I hope that one day I am able to buy her, once I’ve moved out and have a job with which to support all of the expenses.

She and Luna had also switched stalls, she was shod, and her whiskers were trimmed (which is a big thing for me, since she’s NEVER had her whiskers trimmed as far as I can remember). Once I said hello, and scratched the poor girl’s face (her cut looks so terrible, it’s got some yellowish thing in it. I think that may be the medicine they put on it, but I can’t tell), I went out to the paddock fence and called her: Heyyy, pretty girl. I clicked a few times, and she came out to meet me. It’s not the single-call instant greet we were at before, but it’s a huge step in the right direction.

(I would have taken a picture of her, but my phone was almost dead and it wouldn’t let me use the camera.)
I feel so bad, though. Her cut itches so much, at first she only scratched herself on her hay and didn’t bother to eat it. I asked Bonnie if a fly mask might help her, and she said it might, but you’d be hard pressed to get one on her. She’s right. I just wish she weren’t so wild… but the sick thing is, that’s why I was first attracted to her. But now that I know her, I just want her to feel better.

Anyway, it’s getting late, so I’ll have to leave off for now. I’m always surprised at how much I type once I get into it. This is definitely something I need to continue, and I’ll make a note to keep updating. Hopefully weekly, but I’ll see how it goes.

It’s good to be back. :)

Love, TBK

written from my laptop, finished 1 09 AM [Mon, May 17, 2010]

english assignment - filly

2010-02-17T21:16:00.001-08:00

First we met,

On that fateful summer’s day

First I saw you,

And my heart melted

Faster than the sun would allow

Your eyes were soft and trusting

Although your plight was great

My heart went out to you

And so our bond was made

You knew me more than others

You came at a single call

My heart would swell with love

When I looked at you

But then you went away

And my dreams and hopes

Were crushed by cruel reality

Yet I could not stop myself

From wishing, praying, yearning

To see you again

One day a message came

That made my heart spring forth

And jump for joy

I could not believe

The words I read

How long had it been?

A month?

A week?

A year?

But you had returned

Soon I was able

To see you again

But now you do not remember

Those fateful summer days

When I would laugh and cry with you

And we would escape reality together

Now I can’t help but build up a wall

Between us – you and I

A wall I never before

Would have dared to create

For what will happen now?

Will it be a month?

A week?

A year?

When will I lose you again

To cruel reality?

How can I bear it again

The pain that I went through

But how can I stand

To not reach out to you?

You’re different now—

They’ve changed you

But your heart is still the same

Your soul, too

Remains as it was

On that fateful summer’s day

Love, something in

My gut tells me

To give it one more try

And that “to love and lose

Is better than not to love

You at all”

Let’s do this now, together

Working at it

You and me

Let’s do this now, together

We’ll make it, girl

You’ll see

merry christmas!

2009-12-25T20:35:00.001-08:00

Is it possible that my filly’s return was a Christmas miracle? I don’t mean to get all sentimental, or foolish, but… it just seems like it was too amazing to be a coincidence.

Anyway, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Holidays, depending on if you celebrate it. I had a very pleasant day – mainly because I didn’t have to go to my father’s house at 10 00 AM like last year, which ruined Christmas entirely. Bastard. (Moving on.)

It was lovely. I spent a lot of time with my family, including my grandpa, and tomorrow my mom and I are going to go shopping. I’m going to my dad’s at noon, which is why I’m on so late (I’m getting up at 6 45 AM, gah). I have to do laundry and pack, since I won’t have time tomorrow. *headdesks repeatedly* Why didn’t I do this sooner?

I felt like I left out Luna/Houdini when I wrote before. Well, let me sum it up with this picture:

Get away, bitch!

Luna’s grouchier than usual. Then again, that might be because she doesn’t remember me – who knows? But I missed her, too. Mostly because I loved watching her and the filly touch noses. She’s prickly, but not altogether unkind. Sort of like the characters you see in books. I don’t know. I feel a kind of wry affection for her. *shrugs*

I so wanted to see her again – the filly, that is – today, it being Christmas and all. But I can’t just randomly show up at the barn and crawl through the fence, you know? Bonnie wasn’t going today, so I couldn’t ask if I could stop by (however awkward that might have been). I won’t be able to see her tomorrow, either. AUGH. I want to see her again. I need to see her, so I can reassure myself that she’s still there; that she hasn’t disappeared, like a shadow in the night.

I pray that we’ll have a little longer to be together this time.

happy holidays! –tbk

written from my laptop, finished 11 31 PM [Fri, December 25, 2009]

…is you ♥

2009-12-23T22:52:00.001-08:00

[see last entry]

I actually burst out crying. We considered going straight to the barn before my lesson, but I'd get there too late. So we went straight there.

When I got to Bonnie's, she verified that the filly was indeed back. She didn't know why – but it turns out that she'd been back for a while, but Bonnie hadn't known it was her. After my lesson, I went over to Bonnie's dad's house (have I mentioned she lives with him now?) for a sleepover.

(We watched Home Alone. Best movie ever.)

In the morning, we went to the barn.

She was there. I don't know how long I spent stroking her, and telling her I loved her. She was different – better trained; less scared. Her face is now dappled gray, too. Soon I think she'll look like that all over. That's how Luna looks.

Apparently, Jon sent both fillies to some place in hopes of selling them. I don't know how it worked exactly, or really any details, but I guess they were trained while they were there. The other day, a man came out and rode her! She's still green, especially when you consider her age, but she's much improved. I just hope that this time we have a little more time to spend together before she's sold (I think Jon may not be trying to sell them anymore; I hope not).

She remembered me – or, at least, I think she did. She would follow me in and out of her stall (like, through her paddock) and when I walked a long way down by the fence before calling to her, she… I don't know what to call it – it was between a trot and canter. *shrugs*

I love her so much. God, I love her. I want to stay with her forever. I don’t want to have my heart torn again.

Since she was less skittish this time, I was able to take a picture of her! I took two, actually, but only one turned out well since I took them on my phone. She doesn't look too great in the picture – she's more beautiful in person – but it means so much to me just to be able to see her. :-)

all my love, tbk

written from my laptop, finished 1 51 AM [Thurs, December 24, 2009]

all i want for christmas…

2009-12-22T08:34:00.001-08:00

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You

Allow me to narrate the events in the order that they happened:

December 20th was the Solstice. It's the longest night in the year. I was at my dad's that night, where they celebrate the Solstice by lighting the Yule Log (it has holes drilled in it so we can put candles in). As each person lights their candle, they make a wish. My sister and I "partnered up" and both lit our candle at the same time. We each made a wish.

My wish was, I wish I could see the filly again.

I was thinking that, with that wish, I would let her go in the new year. Later, we returned home with our mom. I did schoolwork until around 3 (I had to make an ethnic dish for my world history class. I made Welsh Tea Cakes; they were surprisingly good). Then my mom and I drove to Bonnie's, where I would have my lesson.

I'd had to charge my phone earlier in the day, and so I hadn't checked my text messages. I did so in the car. I had a text from Bonnie, so I opened it. I lurched forward and said "oh my god."

This is what the text said:

Bonnie (1)

{Mon. Dec 21 01:10 pm
Guess what? The filly is back!!!}

I have to go clean my room right now, but I'll finish this later. Sorry I have to leave you on a cliffhanger. ^^;

shy

2009-12-15T06:50:00.001-08:00

That’s it. I have to do it. I’m afraid he’ll fucking kill me, but I have to visit Jon. Yes, the previous owner of the filly. The gun-owning drunk Jon. I’m also going to ignore the embarrassment of going in front of the barn girls. I’m going to ignore embarrassing Bonnie. I’m going to ignore Jen thinking I’m stupid. I have to do it.

GOD, I CAN’T FUCKING LIVE WITH THIS. I’ll have no choice if he doesn’t have her papers, or a location, or something. I’ll have to live with it. But I can’t live, thinking there’s something I might be able to do in order to find her. I’m too FUCKING SHY! GOD. If there is a divine force up there – God, Allah, Vishnu, or something else entirely – grant me strength. Grant me courage. Please, please let things go smoothly. Let me find my filly. Let her be safe. Let her remember me…. please. God, please! I’m begging you. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I need to know. I can’t always wonder. So… please. Please help me. I promise I’ll make an effort to have faith, and to keep up with my school, and defeat my procrastinating habits. Dear Lord/Allah/Vishnu/someone-else-entirely… I am begging you, help me find the love of my life, my filly, again.

---

If anyone actually still reads this forgotten blog, I’d love to contact you. You can send me an email at frozen.smiles@live.com (I also have MSN, so if you’d rather talk via that, ask me for it). Hopefully some creepy 50-y/o man doesn’t contact me. But right now, I just need someone who understands this. I can’t let out all this angst and fear and grief to any of my friends. At this point, I’ve made it into a joke with Bonnie because of my accursed shyness, and to tell my other friends would make things… awkward. They don’t know this side of me; this side that wants to scream and die if I can’t see her (don’t worry, the “dying” is a very small, irrational part that’s always largely outvoted). Or, if they do, they haven’t told me.

TBK out.

written from my laptop, finished 9 49 AM [Tues, December 15, 2009]

mood swings

2009-12-15T06:37:00.001-08:00

Originally, I came here to rant about some irritating thing that happened this morning. I felt like expressing myself, so I came here. Came back. It feels like so long ago that I wrote those entries – has it really not even been a year since she was sold? In three days, it will be exactly 9 months since I found out. Needless to say, I’ve become a lot less active in that time. And I know that, time and again, I’ve said things like “I’ll be back soon!” and “Look forward to things picking up again!” I’m making no such promises this time.

Why?

Because she’s not coming back. She won’t be found. I’m never going to see her again.

Looking back on this blog, all the feelings – the love, the joy, the grief, the hurt - are all rushing back, as raw as they ever were. God, I forgot how much I loved her. I forgot how my heart would almost split in two when I had to break our combined gaze. I forgot how she felt like a beacon of hope whenever I felt like my life was crashing down on top of me.

Have I mentioned I can’t even remember what she looks like? I try and try, but… nothing. After reading my past entries, I’ve found out that I don’t want to forget. I’ve never loved a creature so passionately before; frankly, I doubt I ever will again.

I’m going to write down every scrap of a memory I have of her, in as much detail as possible. Anything I can remember – her scar, the infection, and even that one time a rat was perched in the torn netting of her stall. So, that way, when I’m older, I can look back on this, and remember the first time I’ve loved an animal absolutely, so entirely that without her, my heart feels like a hole has been punched in it, and it won’t ever mend. Whenever I read this, the hole gets a tiny bit bigger. But it’s worth it. It was all worth it. A great poet once said, “'Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all.”

These are in no particular order, seeing as I can no longer remember the order myself.

A dream. I’m lunging the filly in a circle – I think it was supposed to be natural horsemanship, but I was getting her to trot over a pole at the same time. Suddenly, she disappeared off my lunge line, and “trotted” to Bonnie’s shadowed form in the distance. Was I subconsciously afraid she would bond more with “leader” instead of me? Or was it something else?

Two girls from the barn were teasing her with a carrot, making her run along the fence beside them. She was getting really aggravated, and they still wouldn’t give it to her. I told them to do so, and they did. I stayed and tried to get close to her, but she was too strung-out – she kept pacing. In the end, she started following me up and down the fence, although she knew I didn’t have anything. Then she let me scratch her face and rub her neck.

I was getting to see the filly! Yay! Once I got past the ring, and hopefully out of earshot, I quietly called, “Herrre, pretty girl!” She immediately did a gaited trot out to meet me. I thought my heart would burst. From then on, when I called her, she would come and meet me if I were outside when she was in, or vice versa.

I was in the back barn by her stall, coaxing her towards me so that I could rub her face. I noticed a rat (they’re actually really cute, and it looked more like a mouse – but it was a rat) on the “window-sill” (I don’t know what else to call it) beside me. I backed away at first, but then ignored it and went back to petting her for a while. I noticed that the rat didn’t bother her at all. Was she used to it?

Carl was trying to put medicine on her sore. I almost cried out, seeing her so scared. I can’t remember – one of the times, he globbed some on, but on another day, he couldn’t, and so I did. She was quieter for me than she was for him. Was it only because I was female, or did she know me?

The filly has a beautiful coat. I don’t know how to describe it. “Smokey buckskin”? “Grulla”? I don’t know. It looked like the horse’s coat in the picture bellow – in fact, exactly. They describe has as a “Smokey buckskin.” So, I guess I’ll call it that.

Her eyes were dark brown; limpid pools of innocence and trust, but guarded by a wall of hurt. And her scar… the skin on the right side of her face, in between her eye and muzzle, was always rubbed raw. Sometimes it would ooze bits of blood or pus, and during the summer flies caked onto it. It would sometimes have bits of shavings stuck on it, too. It was red, and not very deep, but extremely big – literally taking up most of the space between her eye and muzzle. They said she might have an internal blood infection, and would need veterinary treatment. I remember that when the vet came to see her, since she couldn’t be handled, they had to sedate her (as in, make her fall asleep).

Her stall was a dirt one, and, in my opinion, it never had enough shavings. Even now, no shavings are put in there. I don’t think having hard-packed dirt makes up for that, but maybe that’s just me.

Next door was Luna/Houdini/the “bigger filly,” a gray paso who was slowly turning white on her face and back (which is why I called her Luna). There was torn netting between their stalls, and often they would touch noses and nip at each other through it. They never kicked at each other. They seemed to be good friends. Across from “the little filly” was Heneral, a white paso fino gelding. He’s gorgeous, and known for cribbing. He has a large dent in his stall door. Heneral is also so fat, you would swear he was pregnant. He’s going to founder soon, I’m sure – I feel so bad for him. He’s still there. I visit Heneral, and almost cry because his friends left him – well, really, because they left me. Heneral is all I have left. He’s the only thing I can touch to remind me that I once knew a filly, who I loved with all my heart and soul.

The last time I saw her. At first, she shied away from my hands as I slowly reached up to be close to her. I crooned things like “It’s okay, pretty girl. It’s okay. You know meeee,” and she flicked her ears forward, and took a step towards the stall. I began to rub her head, and scratch all her itches. She never once pulled away or got scared, and I felt like I never wanted to leave her side.

Laura [Bonnie’s mom] honked her horn outside. “Hey, Carly, we’ve gotta go!”

Pulling away from her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I turned and walked towards the car, looking back at her. She turned her head and watched me. I got in the car. She never looked away – not once, ‘til I couldn’t see her anymore. “I’ll be back,” I said. “I promise I’ll always be back.”

It breaks my heart that I broke that promise. Every single day.

GOD! *screams* If only I could go back in time, and stop myself from leaving her side. Or tell her that things would be okay, even though we’d be separated. Or even go back to the day she was trailer’d off, so I at least knew where she was. For all I know, she could be on her way to a glue factory right now. It makes me want to… kill something. Kill whoever took her from me. I want them to feel my hurt, my loss, my grief; my anger. I want them to see my tears and beg for forgiveness. I know not everything will ever go my way; I’m not some fucking spoiled brat.

But when you take away the thing I love the most, stuff is going to happen.

*disclaimer: I’m not going to kill anyone. That would be unhelpful in finding the filly (although let’s face it, she’s gone forever).

-tbk

written from my laptop, finished 9 37 AM [Tues, December 15, 2009]

camp in “timbuktu”

2009-08-04T21:28:00.001-07:00

Yes, I’m a day late, but I had a very busy day, so I’m excusing myself.

Tonight, I want to fill you (the online audience who I apparently had at one point, but have likely lost during my lapse in entries) in on horse camp. I don’t want to give out its name – after all, I may go back next year – but I have to call it something, so I’ll call it “HC” for Horse Camp. How clever of me.
Sunday afternoon (around 11 30 am), my family [Jill, my mom, my grandma, and my great-aunt] all set out to drive to the camp. It’s in… um, Timbuktu, which is around three and a half hours away from where I live. So, we drove. Nothing really exciting about that.
I don’t know what I thought HC would be like. Well, horsey, but having a) never been to a sleepaway camp and, b) never been to a horse camp, I didn’t have much experience to base my guesses off of. But when we arrived at *cough* Timbuktu, I was filled to the brim with nervous-excited anticipation. I immediately met one of my two roommates upon arriving – lI’ll call her Legs. Actually, at camp we never called her by her first name. We called her by her camp name (she’d been to HC before), which was Legs. Obviously. This was because, when she first came to HC, her legs were really long in proportion to her body – she’s grown into them now, but since there were 2 girls with her same name, she needed a nickname. So she was Legs.

I carried my bags up to my room, said goodbye to my mom and cringed as my great aunt & grandma got all embarrassing. They didn’t come just to see me off, by the way – I’m not that sheltered! *laughs* My grandma wanted to visit an old friend, and since we were already going down that way, she hitched a ride. My great-aunt was going to a nearby theme park (I won’t say which one… but it’s well-known!) with my sister and mother… when I couldn’t go. Because I was at camp. UN-fair!

Once I’d put my stuff in the corner (I was in room 3 – 3 beds, 3 girls, a TV with DVD player/VCR, and the only room with its own bathroom! The other girls shared the one in the hall), we went down to the ring. Here we were going to ride some random horses just so that the instructor could evaluate our riding levels and pair us with AM (English) and PM (Western) horses for the week. We called her Tweety, and I dare not call her by any other name. Tweety is the scariest fricking person I have ever met. She’s frightening. You just have to respect her. It’s impossible not to.

I rode Zia, a paint mare – probably the oldest horse I’ve ever met. Honestly, I think she should be retired. Yes, she can still work, but for God’s sake, she’s about 30 years old! Why are you making her trot around the fucking ring all summer?!
Anyway, to quote Tweety, I was “seriously underhorsed on Zia.” Meaning… I would do much better with a more challenging horse. No surprise, considering I learned to ride on Tonka. (I got to jump him today!!! I missed him so much)

Now, it’s nearing 30 past midnight, so I should stop here. Let me wrap this up – I’ll post more about camp tomorrow…
We finished riding and dismounted, then went to untack and hose off our horses. During this time, I met my other roommate – Anna. Naturally crimped hair (she straightens it – why? It’s fantastic!), streaked with different-coloured Sharpies. She’s pretty awesome. I love Legs & Anna – I can’t believe they stayed for two sessions – that is, two weeks. I miss them soooo much already. :-(
I’m not going to go too much into my roommates here – this is my horse blog, after all – so let me just say we got along amazingly. I love you, Anna & Legs!!! NIBN!

Thus concludes this episode of “TBK’s Barn Life.” Tune in tomorrow for more entries about camp! Whoo-hoo!

written from my laptop, finished 12 28 AM [Wed, August 05, 2009]

guess who?

2009-08-03T20:49:00.001-07:00

A lot of things have happened since my last entry. So much, in fact, I decided it was worth it to start up this blog again. I’m never going to “get over” the filly, but I can at least honor what time I had with her by keeping this blog going – this blog I’ve dedicated to her.

First off, I went to horse camp. My first sleep-away camp, actually, if you don’t call that sea-camp I went to for 3 days – true, it was sleep-away, but I don’t consider that to be camp. I mean, after all, I went with all my friends, and I roomed with my besties… it’s just not the same thing, you know?
I’ll go into more detail about horse camp tomorrow – I promise I won’t forget! – but right now I just wanted to make a quick update. I don’t have much time, as Bonnie’s sleeping over (:-D) and we’re going to set up the air mattresses very soon.

Okay, so I’ve been reading the Clique series (I admit it! It’s fluff, okay? My guilty pleasure) lately, and I feel like taking a leaf out of the main character, Massie’s, book. She makes “state of the union” lists, and shows what’s in and what’s out. It’s a pretty spiffy way of organising things, actually, so I’m going to give it a shot. First I’ll post the order, then what I meant by the “in” and “out.” For it to make sense, you really have to read it left-to-right, instead of first the “in” things and then the “out”. ‘Kay?

August 1st: Current State of the Union
In…………………Out
Pies………………Flies
Jordan Pruit……………Taylor Swift
Green……………Pink

@ “Pies & Flies” – I came back from horse camp Sunday afternoon (around 11), and I was really hungry. At camp, they made all our food for us – no microwavable burritos! Imagine that! – so I wasn’t looking forward to driving allll the way back home, and then making my own dinner. (Ick.) So we bought a pie – a yummy apple pie! Woot! The flies reference seems obvious – all the pie, without the flies. Hee hee~

@ “Jordan Pruit & Taylor Swift” – On Sunday night (8/1) my sister, Nica, Lexa and I went to Demi Lovato’s concert. Jordan Pruit was one of the two opening acts (the other was David Archuleta). After the concert, Jordan Pruit signed autographs. She was really nice – we met her! She signed my shoe, Nica’s cup, Jill’s paper, and Lexa’s program. Taylor Swift was always Nica’s idol, but upon meeting Jordan, that suddenly changed. Nica has now decided Pruit is her favorite artist (JB being her favorite band), her idol, and she’s set off to learn all of her songs. @-@; Ah, Nica. She’s so… obsessive sometimes. I love her, though!

@ “Green & Pink” – Upon going to camp, I guess I… matured a little. Well, maybe immatured! Basically, now I’m a lot more interested in guys (before I was like, “Sure, he’s cute, whatever, I don’t care.” It wasn’t that I didn’t notice – it just seemed unimportant) and less… babyish stuff. Like the color pink and stuffed animals. My room is hot and baby pink – gah! It’s so hot in there because of the color. I’d love to repaint it seafoam green. I thought about putting “In: Boyfriends” and “Out: Best Friends,” but that’s not true. I’ll always love my girlies more <3.

That’s all for now. I swear I’ll update tomorrow. I just don’t have time right now! :’( I’ve missed writing, though – I didn’t realise that.
Love, TBK

written from my laptop, finished 11 49 PM [Mon, August 03, 2009]

imaginary breath

2009-04-29T20:05:00.001-07:00

I haven’t posted for nine days (I know I do weekly updates, I’m sorry!) because there hasn’t been much to report. Well, that isn’t true. I just don’t feel like writing about it. I had a lesson... great. I have a field trip... great. I had a class, and a report. Great.
I’m not one of those people who decide that they’ve “given up” on life, or living. In my opinion, that’s a load of crap. If you “give up” on life, then it’s your life. If you’re still doing something, then you’re a liar. You can say, “My life feels pointless.” Sure it can. Go ahead and make the best of it.

Still, no law says I must write, and I’ll admit that I’ve felt depressed at the thought of typing up this entry. “So, I did [text] at my lesson, and this happened, and then that, and then this...” Don’t get me wrong, I’m generally happy where I am in life. Just not about this topic. Because what am I going to write about? I started this blog for the filly. I wanted to record our progress; my feelings. Important events. Well, here’s an important event: she was sold. I haven’t seen her since.
Now, there’s a slight fucking chance that I could see her again, but no matter how many times I remind Laura about calling her friend for maybe a twenty fucking minute meet-up, it’s always, “Yes, I remember, I’ll get to it” or “Right, I’m on it” or “Oh, sorry, I totally forgot. Yeah, okay, thanks for reminding me, I’ll get to it.” And I’m tired of it.
I’m not trying to bitch and moan about my life, and certainly not Laura – I love her to death, you know that – but it’s almost like, what’s the point? No one seems to understand the importance of it all. “Oh, it’s just a horse. And look, my taxes are due. I should pay those.” That is important, but so are my needs. Right now, I’m back to fucking crying when I think about her. Which means what? Basically, that I’ve given up. My subconscious has accepted it; I’m never going to see her again, so now is the time to grieve.
This doesn’t mean I won’t see her again. But it pisses me off that the one thing I need right now, the one thing that will make me insanely happy, everyone seems to think is so trivial that they can’t clear their busy fucking schedules. And that’s a really fucking sucky thing to think.

But, contrary to how it might sound, my life isn’t a total hellhole right now. I got to video chat with my grandpa this morning, I do have a field trip to a great, interesting place on Friday, and Nica and Lexa might get to go. If their little twin siblings are born tomorrow, that is. If they aren’t born by Friday, their surrogate will be having a C-section.
And my sister, Jill, is promoting to her black belt (probationary level) this Saturday. I’m really proud of her, and she’s very nervous. *laughs*

A lot of good things, and little bad. It just saddens me that no one seems to know that there’s a difference.

written from my laptop, finished 11 04 PM [Wed, April 29, 2009]

bourgeoisie

2009-04-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, now I'm worried
About you and me
and new pine trees
Okay, now I'm thinking
About fabled true love
And lack thereof
Okay, now I'm learning
About moving on
And ill-kept lawns
Okay, now I'm deducing
About moving home
And whispering domes
Okay, now I'm crying
About things I've lost
At too high a cost

My heart; lose its laugh
My voice; lose its song
My mind; lose its wit
My tongue; lose its taste
My sense; scrape along
My soul; now debased

I need to see you again... why can't anyone seem to understand that? It's not a want; a desire to see the pretty horsie. I've trusted in you more than almost anyone on Earth - probably more than any human. I just react with some animals that way, and you, especially. Your soul is like spun silver. It purifies those tainted by all those days when we feels we're "scraping along," bourgeoisie-style.
I'm a retarded poet. Deal with it.

And, stupid though it may be, I keep thinking about what the filly might be thinking. Does she think I abandoned her? Has she forgotten? Or is she thinking I'll be back soon enough, right on schedule? What about her new home? Does she know it? Is she scared, or is everything okay, since she has her friend...? The disaster scenario running through my head came to be thanks to the following lyrics (You Found Me, Fray):

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

“watch out for that—”

2009-04-16T07:10:00.001-07:00

George, George
George of the Jungle,
Strong as he can be.
(Ahhhhhhhh)
Watch out for that tree.
George, George,
George of the Jungle,
Lives a life that's free.
(Ahhhhhhhh)
Watch out for that tree.
When he gets in a scrape,
he makes his escape
with the help of his friend,
an ape named Ape.
Then away he'll schlep
on his elephant Shep
While Fella and Ursula
Stay in step.
Well...George, George
George of the Jungle,
Friend to you and me.
Watch out for that tree!

I never thought I’d see such resemblance between myself and George. Poor little guy... by the time he’s warned, it’s too late for him to turn around! What’s he supposed to do – drop from whatever height he’s at? Probably wouldn’t work out so well.
Before anyone asks, no, I haven’t been swinging on vines. Still, the two four-inch cuts on my neck (and bruises on my nape, shoulder, and shoulder blade – hmph!) do come partially from a tree. And partially from Tonka. *laughs*

Yesterday was my lesson, and I never got a chance to ask Laura about the filly. Argh! I’m pretty pissed at myself, even though it wasn’t really my fault, considering what occurred. Laura and Bonnie came from the chiropractor (Bonnie’s the only person I know, my age, who goes to the chiropractor. She’s physically dead :D) to pick me up, and I completely blanked on asking Laura. In my defense, they had just revealed Bonnie’s weight-losing scheme. Basically, Bonnie has stopped eating. She hasn’t eaten since Tuesday, and she’ll start eating again on Sunday. Of course, Laura and I think this is the most horrific idea ever. But, to quote Laura, “What can I do? Shove food up her mouth?” And so her new dieting ways pass the ministration.

I can kind of see why she’s doing it. Although I’m sure everyone’s come to the solution that she’s anorexic, she’s not doing this to lose weight. Well, obviously she is, but not for herself. She’d like to start jumping Tonka again – at three feet, which is like jumping 6 feet for a pony. He can do it – he has before – but she wants to be at the weight level she was before when she was jumping him. So she wants to lose ten pounds. And she already exercises a lot, but apparently that wasn’t working. That doesn’t mean I approve, but like I said, I can see why she’s doing it.
So talk of that consumed the conversation in the car, and then I had to tack up Tonka, and then Laura’s friend/rebirthing client had arrived, and they were hanging out, and then I rode, and then we finished, and then Laura went into their session, and then my mom picked me up before they finished.
But, still – Bonnie’s coming over tonight, so maybe I can catch Laura for a few minutes to ask. *crosses fingers* Only the right.

Before I go on to the lesson, I’d just like to squeal with joy for a minute. My best friends, Nica and Lexa, are expecting another pair of twins. That is, their parent’s surrogate mother (who had them, as well as their older brother) is due to have twins either this week or next week. I’m completely excited – especially since Andrea promised to let me help shop for the clothes. ^^;; What? I like buying cute little baby clothes. I’ve been deprived. *sniffle*
We’re all waiting for you, Leely (...it’s a nick name) and Kai! <3

Now: lesson. All right, so I tacked up Tonka, and then proceeded with the usual flatwork: walk, trot, change direction, walk, trot, change direction, “good boy!” and let him walk. I did well at controlling him, and our flatwork was done pretty quickly. Then the canter work – thrice around the ring in each direction if I’m doing well, and then more until I work out whatever I’m doing wrong. Then the practice jump – trot up, over teeny crossrail, canter away. Once. Then the course.
My course was red to coop line (3 strides), around to the outside, to the green, sharp left turn back around, past the outside, to the diagonal, and then turn left and over the outside in the other direction. It seemed pretty simple, but the green to the diagonal was going to be a sharp turn. The first time Tonka was pretty wild, but we got through it. The next time, however, he was worse – it was my fault, since I subconsciously thought “He’ll do better this time, so I shouldn’t be so firm,” even though I know I should never do that.
Anyway, I’d already let him get away with not turning right, after the green, and so this time Tonka jumped to the left, and even though I kicked him with my outside leg, he still went crashing through the trees. I leaned sideways over his neck, and the branch I crashed into went down – later, we were glad it had been rotten, and not green. Then he jumped into the corner, and my glasses fell off. I jumped the red to the coop so I could jump again without risking crushing my glasses, and then I dismounted and we looked together. We’d just about given up when Laura appeared, saw my neck, said “Oh my god, what happened?” (to which I cleverly responded “Um, I hit a tree.”) and then pointed out my glasses on the ground. Perfectly unharmed. It was freaky.

Anyway, I did the entire course (trotting the red to coop, then cantering the rest) and then I did it once more. The jumps had been lowered to around a foot, and next week I have a feeling I’ll be jumping the same course, with the jump sizes back to normal. I’m excited. I will whip this course’s butt! I swear it!
Tonka did well after the tree incident, so he still got a fat apple. What a good boy. *laughs*

written from my laptop, finished 10 10 AM [Thurs, April 16, 2009]

impatience

2009-04-14T21:49:00.001-07:00

First off, about the new layout: I’ve set up a poll, so I’ll let that determine which layout I end up using. If you care about the look of my humble blog, check it out. It’s to the right on the sidebar. I’m going to keep it up there until May 2, at 12 00 AM – that is, one minute after it’s May 1, at 11 59 PM. *laughs* Anyway, let me know what you think.

Bonnie came over yesterday – it was fun. We went to the park for about an hour and a half, and then went on the path that connects to the park and freaked ourselves out for around another 30 minutes. Afterwards, we came inside and goofed off and took the dogs out, and finally watched a little Desperate Housewives.
My mom was hesitant to watch it, since it would mean we’d go to bed late, but I convinced her with my sparkling personality. Yes, I did it. I made Jill play a sound on her computer. *cue applause* So my persuasive ways went something like this:

“So, mom! I think we should watch Desperate Housewives.” –me
“Um... I’m not sure...” –mom
“...Oh! One second. -rushes over to Jill’s computer- -fiddles with it- -mutters incoherently to said Jill-” –me
“What are you doing?” –bonnie (xD)
“Shh! No! Go away! ...Okay. -runs back to stand in frnot of my mom-” –me
“So, mom! I think we should watch Desperate Housewives.”
cue “ta-da!” music sounding from Jill’s computer
“-laughing- Okay, set it up!”
(click here to hear the same sound! © Windows)

Aren’t I amazing? Aren’t I fantastic? It’s true; I won’t even bother to deny it. That moment was one of the best quick-thinking-humor moments in my life. I hold it dearly in my heart. *cue dramatic sigh*
Word of the day: cue! Just in case you were wondering.

The reason I’m writing is to steam off ~~a lot~~ some of the impatient energy I’ve been building up. You see, Bonnie’s cousins were in town last week, so I couldn’t have my lesson. Ergo, could not pester Laura about the filly. Ergo, she may have forgotten. It takes all of my self control not to grab the phone and call, even though it’s 12 37 AM. But, god, I just miss her so, so much. It’s hard for me to understand that other people don’t seem to get, just from looking at me, the pain in my eyes. Although in science class, the new girl – Courtnie, she’s insanely annoying. I’ll probably talk about her at one point – has been looking at me like I’m kind of weird.
Then again, I might be seeing things just to satisfy myself. That isn’t to say that other people haven’t noticed – Courtnie is just kind of obvious about it. Although, again, I may be seeing things. *shrug*

Anyway, Mrs. Ryan will be speaking, and it’ll be about something insanely boring – who would think forensic science could amount to so much speaking?! I think Mrs. Ryan would be a great college professor. Whoops, got off-track... Well, I’ll be sort of, um, zoning out (^^;), and I’ll start thinking of the filly (big surprise), and I’ll suddenly find myself starting at the gray table with a look of grief on my face. At least, that’s how I think I look. It’s certainly how I feel.

My lesson is tomorrow. I’m going to ask Laura about the filly, and the woman who might own her. Wish me luck that she remembered! I’ll need all the luck I can get. Thanks a lot, you guys – anyone who’s ever read this blog. It’s so completely comforting to have people supporting me, or thinking I’m crazy for getting myself so involved in situations that really don’t need to include me. So... thanks. It really does mean loads. –love, tbk
p.s. Today – err, yesterday – is/was the 4-month “birthday” of barn life. *laughs* I didn’t even notice!

written from my laptop, finished 12 49 AM [Wed, April 15, 2009]

new layout

2009-04-13T19:53:00.001-07:00

I’ve gotten some feedback on the Bloggeries forum that I should try a new layout. Um, so I did. I’m not sure how I feel about it – ~~I’d love to change it and make it a little less... gray...~~ but I’m kind of a n00b when it comes to HTML. If anyone actually cares, I’d appreciate additional feedback via commenting on this entry. Thanks. :)

edit. Thanks, fairyhedgehog, for the html coding! Now everything’s almost perfect here. (: I would like to find a way to make the dots stretch for the entire background, but I’m not sure how to do that. I’ll ask on the forum to see if any experts can help me out.

love, tbk

happy easter?

2009-04-11T19:48:00.001-07:00

I’m pretty annoyed at myself that I haven’t blogged more this week. I mean, from Thurs-Sun, I’m at my dad’s, with nothing else to do. I’d like to blog, but I open a new post and my thoughts go blank. Until, of course, right about when I’m brushing my teeth (with my totally awesome electric toothbrush for two minutes that I now can’t live without. I’ve never had an electric toothbrush before… *squee*), when I’d really just like to go to bed. You see my dilemma.

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of ideas for blogs – and, oddly enough, one of the subjects I remember being vaguely about grass. How’s that for entertainment, huh? Oh, god. I’m turning into Jon! (not the ass – the confused cat owner in the newspaper.) Which could probably have to do with the large number of Garfield comics I’ve been reading today. Although, not as much as Jill – since Thursday, she’s read approximately 20 years worth of newspaper Garfield comics. In order. *implodes from fat cat overdose*

Speaking of fat cats, we went over to Kristyn&Kevin’s house (have I mentioned them? Well, Krysten is Michele’s oldest daughter, and Kevin’s her husband). And this vaguely relates since they have a blind, fat cat named Presley. Or Pres. Or Pretzel! They found him on their doorstep (literally) and took him in (literally). Then, later, they found out he’s blind. So he doesn’t actually run, like, ever. He slowly moves through the house and makes sure everything’s safe. Which explains the chubbiness. With his thick, fuzzy fur, his big eyes, and the slowness, it makes him seem like an adorable child (which is completely opposite to Lucy, their mutt with some greyhound. She’s so hyper! *laughs*)
Anyway, we went over and had dinner and got devoured by mosquitoes and had a boring time (well, while we were outside. Otherwise it was fun!) and had iced tea and then colored Easter eggs. Oh, yeah, happy Easter!

We had a garage sale this morning. I sat in the hot, hot sun for five freaking hours, and earned eight freaking bucks. Eight. As in, ten-minus-two-eight. Jill earned the same. I earned more money washing my mom’s car. When I was, like, ten. I forgot that about garage sale stands (we ran the sodas, fyi). I’d go into why we had a garage sale, but that would take forever. And this entry isn’t about the garage sale. So hah.

Anyway, I obviously haven’t seen the filly, since I’ve been at my dad’s (damn him). It sucks, because Laura’s pretty busy with her school (she’s in school, like, every day… I’m not sure exactly what she’s earning ^^;), and she has to do rebirthings (Laura specializes in liberation breathwork. Google it), and substitute teaching, as well as regular mom pickup/dropoff stuff. So I hate to ask her to just clear time and go talk to someone she thinks is insane just so I can see if a horse is or is not there.
And, oh my god, I pray she is. So much. I need to see her... You’d think that, after all this time (around two months, I think. just saying), I’d stop thinking about her, but she occupies my thoughts whenever I’m just doing something quietly. Which is why I kind of almost cried tonight, when Kristyn said, What’s the matter, pretty girl? to Lucy.
I haven’t heard anything from Laura, but I really hope she remembers about it. I’m actually pretty doubtful – not that Laura wouldn’t care, but she doesn’t know how important it is to me that I know if she’s there or not. It’s like this one last thread of hope, and I’m clinging to it, while dangling off of a building two hundred feet high. I can hold on, and be rewarded when it grows into a sturdy rope – or I can climb to safety, before I fall into the darkness below me.

In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to find my own meanings in songs (often popular ones played by my favorite radio station...). First was Untouched, by The Veronicas. Next was Come On, Get Higher by... oh, I forget his name. And now Halo, by Beyonce. Look it up, if you want. It’s really touched me. Like the others, I didn’t think of the filly the first time I heard it, but suddenly she popped into my head, and now, like for the others, whenever I hear it, I desperately cling to that image – I can’t let it go. I won’t.

...I don’t want to sound petty/mean/hurt her feelings, in case Duskeh is reading this (I’m not sure if she is or not – why would she? But I don’t know what goes on in her head, so...), but quite frankly, this is my blog, so I can express my thoughts if I’d like to. I’ve noticed I’m feeling a lot healthier – mentally – since our friendship ended.
I’m not staying up worrying about how mad she’ll be if I didn’t get on. Or in tears after what she’d said to me that had hurt me – or what I’d said to her that had come out the wrong way. I’m no longer torn between my virtual and real-life friends – I don’t have to feel guilty if I’m sleeping over with my BFFs, and I’m chatting with them instead of IMing on my laptop well into the night, like I could. I’m totally free of that worry/guilt/anxiety, and I’m feeling totally energized.
I really hope it doesn’t sound mean to say this, but our relationship wasn’t healthy, anyway. I mean, I wouldn’t get on and IM for a few months, and she’d go mute. Like, in real life (we talked on the phone sometimes) – to her family; friends. She might have been making it up (I don’t think so, but I can sometimes be gullible ^^; ), but regardless, the effect it had on me wasn’t healthy. It meant I had to get on – had to be on for hours every week, or I’d risk hurting my friend. Our relationship was almost like... an obsession with each other. I don’t know. But I can honestly say I’m glad I’m past it. I’m trying to get my life in order (What? A thirteen-year-old girl can’t have some dramatic self-sensing, um, revolutionary thinking time? Idk. xD). I just had to get that off my chest. :)

written from my laptop at my dad’s, finished 10 47 PM [Sat, April 11, 2009]

spring break!

2009-04-06T08:07:00.001-07:00

Okay, so if you’re the type of person who reads titles, you’ll probably assume that I just had/am having spring break. Wrong-o! I technically had a spring break, but it was more like a ~~prison~~ lovely vacation at my dad’s. Damn him.
My mom went out of town, so we went there, and I took a vacation week in all of my FLVS [florida virtual school… have I ever mentioned it? It’s an online school I take courses in] since I can’t ever seem to do any school while there. My last few entries have been from there – since goodbye & hello, I think. feeling creative was posted on the night before I went home. Well, since then, a lot’s happened. I guess I’d better make a list. xD!

Got home Monday: went to Bonnie’s (she had spring break last week!) and went on a trail ride <3, hung out alllll day!
Tueday: hx/science class, ‘nother trail ride, hung out again ^^
Wednesday: went to the poollll! Her grandparents were there Mon-Thurs. They’re both over seventy, and they lifted stones, painted the garage, and did other such things. They’re the healthiest, most active 70+ y/o’s I’ve ever seen. I love them! 8D Her grandpa whistles and rakes and sweeps a lot, and her grandma cooks these HUGGGGEE meals, and is a desert chef, and they’re both generally very grandparent-y and awesome? Oops. Got off track – we went to their hotel and swam in the pool! :D And hung out again.
Thursday: Jumping lesson. Fun. <3 Hung out again! Yaaaay! xD
Friday: Show lesson (did I mention the last show was Sunday? Whoops~).
Saturday: Hung out, did show prep like loading car, attaching trailer, and cleaning tack. And jumped a lot (what? Haven’t you ever jumped the awesomely awesome jumps while on foot? If you fall, it’s even funner). :P
Sunday… show. And didn’t get to hang out because we were ubertired. It was funny, though – right before we left to bring me back to my house, Bonnie said, “Oh, crap! Spring break’s over! ;-;” I would’ve laughed if I hadn’t been so freaking tired <3

Yep. School kind of… failed that week. But I had an easy school week, so *phew* there. But, whatever. I hate public school. xD We always used to be able to hang out and ride and hang out some more and play board games and jump and swim and swing and go to the park and run and stuff.
Although, I don’t miss running.
But Bonnie gets home at 4 00 now, and then she has to go to the barn, so we only get to see each other once a week. It sucks.
But summer’s on the way, right? So that’ll be fun. Especially since it hasn’t been hot enough to truly enjoy scootering a few miles to go get ice cream. Especially since it’s, like, seven bucks for the two of us, and we have to pay ourselves. So we should at least be completely dead by the time we get there. It’s awesomely more fun that way. 8D

…Um, I got off track. I’m a li’l hyper right now ^^;. Okay. Yeah. So the show was yesterday, and we were going to get up at the late, late time offff… 2 30 AM! Yay! Luckily, I turned off the first alarm (It’s a voice-recording one. I shrieked random things in it, and it sounds like something screaming and gargling at the same time). It never wakes me up enough to get up, but it annoys me anyway.
Then the second, extremely effective alarm (which goes from soft beeping to screaming at the top of its lungs within five minutes), Bonnie turned off in her sleep. We were just lucky I woke up at 3 40 AM, or else we might have missed the show or something. Although Bonnie might’ve been up since 2 30 when I turned off the other alarm. She just looks kind of dead when she’s not moving. ^^; It’s an exhaustion thing.

Anyway, this show was a double-points show. And the last one wasn’t. That was just a rumor; how irritating. At least I know that the d/p shows are the first & last of the season now, which makes sense. *shrugs*
I got a first, second, third, fifth, sixth, & grand champion. I also ended up being grand champion for a few of my classes out of the entire season. We don’t know about the two entire divisions, yet, but it’s a possibility I got grand or reserve there, too. Yay!
I didn’t like the judge – they said they liked it when your stirrups were too short, but mine weren’t, so they didn’t like me as much as a result. But I do like their judging – every time, I scored what I thought I would (except for the fifth & sixth). Woohoo!
We’ll see how I do when the end of the year congratulatory banquet comes around. <3

It was the first show I’ve ever ridden in without seeing the filly beforehand. Which wasn’t actually tough for me. Like. At all. See, Laura finally asked Susan about the fillies yesterday while we were waiting for Bonnie to finish up getting Mister [Ponches’ Glory; thoroughbred who acts like a dumb puppy. He’s huge and stupid and completely adorable because of it. You’d have to see him to get it. *laughs*] ready for the show.

We-ell, Susan is almost definitely correct (I’m serious, the woman’s omniscient or something. She knows, like… everything). And she says she thinks that the person who used to own the fillies (and Tonka, actually) – who’s kind of insane but is a good horsewoman (well, I’ve heard good and bad. Good about her paso finos, bad about Tonka xD) bought them both back. Which is actually very possible, since she often came to check up on them (especially my filly), and seemed to regret selling to an ass like Jon. *shrugs* This woman just happens to have a private barn, and trains Paso Finos without cruelty. And show them.
And this woman just happens to like Laura. So if Laura called her, we could go over there and I could see the filly – if she has the filly.
And then, since this woman just happens to live around five minutes away from Laura, and therefore around fifteen minutes away from my house, I could see her. Like… a lot.

Now you know why I’m hyper. Now, once you see that first “a,” I’m going to advise you to scroll past the block that follows. If not… hey, it’s your vision. ;)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cough*
Oh my god, god, god. I’m not sure how spiritual/religious I am – like, if I believe in God, or if I’m spiritual, or an atheist, or, hell, maybe I’m Jewish or Muslim or Greek, I don’t know, nor care, really. But I’m thanking God from the bottom of my heart right now. Thanks to everyone who saw my pain, or tears, or reads this, or anything – anyone who hoped she was okay, or that I’d see her and Luna again. Thank you so much. Maybe it’s fate, or luck, or maybe there is some disembodied, powerful spirit/God/gods/goddesses/chakra up there looking after us – me. I don’t care who or what it was. But who/whatever you are… thanks.

It means a lot to have a heart again.
written from my laptop, finished 11 07 AM [Mon, April 6, 2009]

feeling creative

2009-03-29T21:12:00.001-07:00

^^; To those of you who saw the previous, now deleted post, sorry about the rumpus that was caused. A friendship ended, but I’m okay; all of that kind of made me see the light of some… things.

I’ve been feeling creative this evening; probably because I’m so happy about seeing my mom again tomorrow (she went to Virginia for a week, and it was “spring break”, apparently, so I’ve been at my dad’s for seven whole days. Ugh). I’m feeling very light right now. But, then again, working with silvers, grays, blacks, and whites, always makes me feel… cleansed. *shrug*
I made this in Photoshop while fiddling with some new brushes. I downloaded these scenery ones from Midnightstouch and I randomly started scribbling with one, which made a cool, charcoal…y… background. I added the tree (also midnightstouch), and this cat pic I’ve always admired but could never really find a use for on dA. © Dragarta, by the way. The moon brush I downloaded from brusheezy.com. Let me know what you think.
Looking at it now, I think it symbolizes loss, and, taking that cleansed feeling into consideration, renewal/rebirth. Becoming okay with my situation. Does that mean I’ll ever stop hoping and scheming to see my the filly until every last freaking miniscule chance is gone? Hell no!

Lastly, I found this poem online, Souls Reborn. It’s inspiring, and extremely well written. “Brandon” is an amazing poet, whoever he is. :)

Souls Reborn
Our voices joined in song
The day my soul met you
Flames of hate extinguished
My heart born again new
Our day of celebration
The kindred souls of two
The day you came into my life
And made my wish come true
The knife lies on the table
It’s cutting now is through
Life’s pieces taste as sweet as cake
’Cause I share this day with you
The flames dance in your eyes
The glow brightens my world
How could I ask for anything else
Than to share this with you girl
In a million coloured spheres
Our hopes and dreams drift to the sky
I smile as they float off together
Happy we stand side by side
A gift of hope we give each other
A promise to always be true
You splash my world with color
That had faded before I met you
The sun it sinks into the west
As this day comes to an end
But tonight in my thoughts you will remain
My beautiful, special friend
This day comes but once a year
You make every day brand new
I slip off with a feeling so warm
Wishing all your dreams come true

Love, tbk.
written from my laptop @ my dad’s, finished 12 12 AM [Sun, Mar. 30, 2009]

a thought

2009-03-26T21:47:00.001-07:00

video games?
Okay, so I was thinking yesterday about video games (incidentally, I was playing Zelda and the Minish Cap for the first time in about a year). You know how sometimes people complain about their kids being too involved/obsessed with technology – specifically video games?
Well, quite frankly, I was wondering if that addiction could be (hypothetically) healthy. For example, say you had a kid with OCD and/or ADD, and they run around the house, driving you up the walls at all times.

Then, for some random/holiday-related reason, they get a video game – something simple, but addicting – maybe a Zelda game? Plenty of puzzles, intriguing plot, and, of course, a fair share of violence. Suddenly, they’re totally absorbed in the game – maybe noisy, but not so hyped up. Now the parent complains about his addiction to the game - “He’s not getting enough fresh air!” “His brain is rotting!” Which, I’m no psychologist, I think is probably true.

But if you give it some thought, some games really make a kid think – again, Zelda comes to mind (what? it provoked the thought, didn’t it? why can’t it be a constant in this equation?) – so they could be good in small doses. And, let’s face it, it could give the mom a little peace of mind.

I mean, if your brain is so focused on this screen that you become lazy, or relaxed, when you have that kind of disorder, but your heart rate can stay accelerated (“OMG THIS BOSS IS REALLY EXCITING!”) and your mind is constantly alert, that’s kind of a conundrum. So, although I know too much video gaming is definitely bad for a kid (I mean, come on! I love spending hours in a tree. It’s not that hard to walk away from your DS), I think it’s an interesting idea to entertain. I mean, it obviously doesn’t teach any life skills (no, Cooking Mama doesn’t count as a life skill), but… like I said, it’s a conundrum.

Give it some thought. Comment and let me know what you think!

cried last night about the filly for the first time in a little while; I made the mistake of listening to Untouched and thinking about her... I’d thought I was getting better at bearing it – turns out, I was just... numb. Maybe it’s because my eyes ran out of tears. I had a nightmare, too. Last night… wasn’t so great. I need to see her. I need some information. Scouring dA looking for artists who would do a self portrait based on a written description – so I’d have something, even something as pathetic as that, to remember her by – just isn’t doing it. I need to know... Does Susan know where she went? Does Jen? Will Laura ask...?
Oh, yeah. I’ve spent the week at my dad’s since it’s spring break. Not fun :(

please send the filly your prayers that she’s safe and comfortable tonight. i love you, pretty girl… bless you. you’ll always have a special place in my heart just for you.

written from my laptop at my dad’s, finished 12 47 PM [Fri, Mar. 27, 2009]

goodbye & hello

2009-03-22T10:04:00.001-07:00

If you couldn’t tell from that last entry, something awful/wonderful happened. The filly was sold. She went to a better place – quite frankly, almost anywhere is better than where she was. I found on Wednesday night. It… tore me apart.
I cried (unbeknownst to Bonnie and Laura) on the car right home. And hour/hour and a half once I got home. Depression for three hours… and again when my mom got home. And again, the next day, on and off for eight hours.

Luna and my filly were sold together, which is another great/awful thing. The first thing I said after I’d taken in the shock when Bonnie told me was, “At least Luna – err, I mean, Houdini – can keep me company.” That’s when I learned they were both gone. I also learned that their goddamn ass of an owner, Jon, had bought a new fucking horse. And guess what? It’s a foal/colt. Two fucking months old.
And any guessers as to what they’re feeding him? Hay! Of course. He needs formula! How the fuck is he already sold, away from his freaking mother?! Jon won’t buy the formula… no one else can afford to. The foal gets no pasture time. He’s locked in a dark stall (they boarded up the door… why the fuck would they do that?!) 24/7. Lovely.

He’s a sweetheart, too. His head is oddly-shaped, and he’s awful timid, but heck, he’s a foal away from his mum at 2 months – he’s coping pretty well. Bonnie and I sat in his stall getting acquainted with him for a good half hour. Oh, right – I slept over at her house. More on that later.
It was… easier than I thought, going into the backbarn. Night, who used to be in the stall across from Luna’s, had moved into the filly’s, and the foal – unnamed by me as of yet – was in Luna’s. Poor boys! The foal was desperate to see Night, and Night seemed equally curious. That foal has to be around other horses. I mean, what the hell!

Yes, he’s sweet… but not as sweet as the filly. Not as trusting (though who can blame him?). Not as loving. Not as gentle. Not… even close to her.
Still, I pity him – stuck in a hellhole like that. Oh – I learned later he’s not Jon’s, he’s Jon’s friend’s – but Jon is giving him a place to stay, and they’re both asses, so whatever. But Laura’s going to try to get permission from Jen to work with him; you know, put him out with other horses (especially Heneral – no danger for him there. Even if Heneral wanted to kick him, he’s so fat, there’s literally no freaking way. Heneral tends to sleep most of the time, anyway. xD), feed him formula (not like anyone could afford it, but we’d check) and just sensitize him in general to things like halters, brushes, humans, horses, etc.

I also have a dumb, stupid, freaking awful idea. It’s what’s keeping me clinging on the verge of sanity. Susan – that’s Savannah’s mom; Savannah owns Timmy, who Bonnie rides at the shows – is a very active barn mom. She knows… a lot. So she might have the contact information for the buyer of Luna and the filly. Hopefully they’ll be local – a local barn would be a dream come true; I could visit her every day/week (ifmymomwon’tletmecomemoreoften >>;).
See?! Stupid, stupid, stupid! But it’s the only thing that’s helping right now. I can look at the rip in the netting by her stall – where Luna always chewed, and they sometimes touched noses through (and then snorted and acted all offended, of course), and I can feel the memories swimming back, so clearly… And I can feel the tear in my heart – the void, once so filled with love, now suddenly… empty. Dead.

I need to see her again. I have to see my pretty girl. I have to croon to her, stroke that familiar, wonderful face, and I need to let her know she hasn’t been abandoned. I need to tell her it’s okay… and I need to make sure of that myself, too.

Oh, and here’s a totally unimportant note: I went to the Grand Prix and watched all the jumping and took pics by the jump and ran around the arena and almost got on TV.
But it’s not important. More later. –tbk

written from my laptop, finished 1 04 PM [Sun, Mar. 22, 2009]

goodbye

2009-03-19T08:54:00.001-07:00

Goodbye
My eyes seek out yours
I crave to see you
I can’t help my attachment
I know it’s foolish;
I know it can’t be done
But can you stop me from dreaming?
I wish. Because if I
Didn’t dream, my heart
Could be whole right now
And yet it’s worth the tears
The sobs that wrench my heart in two
It’s worth every stab
Every crack inside me
I love you
You’ll always be mine
Even without a hair to remember
You by; a picture, a real name
I have my memories forever
For I’ll never forget
I’ll always cherish what brief time we had
Before they pulled you away
And me, so unaware
That I didn’t get the chance
Luck chose to side against me,
So I never got to say
Goodbye

dedicated to the filly – my filly.
Sold March, 2009.
I’ll never see you again…
Good luck. You deserve a perfect life. I wish I could’ve given it to you.

cattery cam

2009-03-16T14:01:00.001-07:00

Safe Harbor has a new feature! The cattery cam is a live cam of the cattery at Safe Harbor. I’ve seen it myself; it’s awesome! Click the image below to open the URL. :) Enjoy! -tbk

written from my laptop, finished 4 59 PM [Mon, Mar. 16, 2009]

lola – the kinks

2009-03-16T13:50:00.001-07:00

I met her in a club down in old Soho
where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola
C-O-L-A Cola.
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance.
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, "Lola"
L-O-L-A Lola, lo lo lo Lola

My grandma got a new cat! Not from Safe Harbor, but at least it was another no-kill shelter. She’s technically not allowed to have a pet, but she saw their commercial, and decided to get one anyway. Adopt-A-Cat has been a no-kill cat shelter for a number of years, but the owner is $100,000 in debt, and she can’t afford to take care of all of the cats anymore – so she’s going to be forced to euthanize them if she can’t get people to adopt. Nana made an appointment with the owner, and as she was waiting on Thursday (I’m so pissed – I didn’t get to go, since my dad was taking me to his hellhouse that night! UGHHHH), she noticed a cat on the third shelf next to her, sleeping.
The cat woke up, and wound around her hand, and she fell head-over-heels for her as the cat followed her throughout the day. She adopted her for $100 (the fee was only $50, but she donated $50 more). She was declawed, spayed, and housebroken, with all her vaccinations. Nana was thrilled; she admitted she wasn’t sure who chose who (and I, personally, am siding with the cat).
We saw her on our way home from my dad’s yesterday. She’s so sweet! Pale gray all over, with a white chin, chest, belly, and paws. She has a quiet mew and purr, and I was totally enchanted. Nana was glowing the whole time – and her eyes seemed a little wet to me. She’s been so lonely, so grieving, since her old cat, Cujah, died – it was… indescribably nice to see her happy again.

Nana named her new cat (who’s a young adult; she plays, but is also very gentle. The perfect age!) Lola. When my mom heard that, she burst into song…

I met her in a club down in old Soho
where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola
C-O-L-A Cola.
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance.
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, "Lola"
L-O-L-A Lola, lo lo lo Lola
Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy,
but when she squeesed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
why she walks like a woman and talks like a man
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
Well, we drank champagne and danced all night,
under electric candlelight,
she picked me up and sat me on her knee,
She said, "Little boy won't you come home with me?"
Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy,
but when I looked in her eyes,
I almost fell for my Lola,
Lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo Lola
I pushed her away. I walked to the door.
I fell to the floor. I got down on my knees.
I looked at her, and she at me.
Well that's the way that I want it to stay.
I always want it to be that way for my Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola.
Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls.
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world,
except for Lola. Lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo Lola.
Well I left home just a week ago,
and I never ever kissed a woman before,
Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
she said, "Little boy, gonna make you a man."
Well I'm not the world's most masculine man,
but I know what I am and that I'm a man,
so is Lola.
Lo lo lo Lola. Lo lo lo Lola…

Welcome to the family, Lola! <3

written from my laptop, finished 4 49 PM [Mon, Mar. 16, 2009]

if i could walk on water

2009-03-11T12:04:00.001-07:00

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

© LITTLE VICTORIES MUSIC; STAGE THREE SONGS;

untouched / the veronicas

2009-03-10T20:57:00.001-07:00

This song has been running through my head for several days. It’s actually very upbeat, but the lyrics and the way the chorus is sung really fits my mood about the filly right now – it’s very sweet, but in a kind of… dark, way? I don’t know. But I’m kind of feeling this hopelessness right now; dreading the day where I never see her again, and eventually she fades into a memory. I don’t want that to happen. So I hope you like it, and kind of understand what kinds of things I’m thinking about right now.

I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
Lalalala-ahlalala
I can't
La-la-la-la-la-la
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Gimme gimme gimme what you got got
'Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
'Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
'Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time forever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye)
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched-un
And I need you so much
See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take t-take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Gimme gimme gimme all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the lonely nights of wanting more a-more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, or wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched-un, untouched
Untouched-un
Alalalala alalalala
Untouched-un
Alalalala alalalala
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you
Untouched
Untouched-un

That about sums it up. Well, as much as I can sanely figure out. My heart tends to be filled with lots of different confusing emotions.
Gah, I’m about to cry again after reading the lyrics. Shoot. I don’t think I can wait a month to see the filly again. Melodramatic much? –tbk

written from my laptop, finished 11 57 PM [Tues, Mar. 10, 2009]

show & lesson

2009-03-10T20:47:00.001-07:00

All right, first I have to say something about daylight savings time:
IT FUCKING SUCKS.

If you don’t agree, you obviously haven’t lost an hour of sleep when you’re getting up at 3 30 AM, anyway. (:
(Well, actually, it was supposed to be 4 00, but I woke up a 1/2 hour early. That happened last time, too. Weird.)

So I technically got up at 3 30 – but if you don’t factor in DST, then it was 2 30 AM. What. The. Fuck. That suckssss. D: I’m sleep deprivvveddd. Although not as much as Bonnie. xD!

Anyway, the show was amazing! It was apparently my best show performance yet. :) And it was a double-points show (so all of the points are doubled; like a blue ribbon would be 12 pts instead of 6). I got a first, second, 2 fourths, and a sixth. Bonnie was pretty ticked. *laughs* She said that so far, she’d thought judging had been fair on my part – but not this time.

‘There was no reason for that. I mean, even when you got a sixth, you did nothing wrong. That judge was just… Well, I don’t know. But there was no reason for that. Which really sucks, since it was a double points show, but whatever. Anyway, you did good…’

*laughs* I’m just really pumped that I know I did well. It was also the first time I’d placed in all my classes since the practice show – way back in October! Tonka was perfect, too. He was very responsive, and energetic, and… yeah. Perfect. Bejealous;)

Anyway, I had a lesson today instead of on Wednesday. We ended up having a bareback lesson, since Laura left without remembering the saddle was in her trunk, and we didn’t have time to spare since Bonnie had pony club later that evening.
Well, Tonka has pretty sharp withers and a rather sharp spine, too. All I can say is… I’m bruised. Badly. lol!

I enjoyed it, though. I haven’t had a bareback lesson in forever <3. And I managed to stop Tonka even though he ran out on a jump (my fault, I know) and galloped off.
Me: “Ahhh, sorry ^^;; -galloping-”
Tonka: -sharp turn-
Me: -slide- “Uhh, okay, yeah. I think I’m going to fall off. ^^;;; *laughs*”
But. I didn’t. So hah. It was fun. x)

This time the pony club meeting was at the barn (it’s held at different locations almost every time) so I got to see the filly. My heart’s kind of swelling (^^;) so I think it’s going to be a lot of text now. You were warned!

Okay, so I walked to her paddock and saw (delightedly) that the back of her stall was open, so she could get turnout (it’s split 12hr/12hr between her and Luna/Houdini). I clicked for her and called out “Heyyy, pretty girl! Heyyyy…” (It sounds so dumb when I write it, but I say it, and I don’t give a damn if you think it’s retarded. xD)

But she didn’t come, which I was kind of disappointed about, but I walked inside the back barn and found out she still had hay. That explains it. I called her a couple times, but she didn’t seem interested in leaving her hay, although she glanced up a couple times. So I picked a small handful of grass, and went back inside. I was thrilled to see she’d followed me out; even though that’s probably because whenever I go back there, whoever’s out gets grass ^^;;;. Luna does it, too. It makes me feel really… good… that they’ve noticed me enough to put two and two together. :)

So I fed her the grass, and she stuck around as I let her sniff my shirt, my hair, and my general scent overall; I blew into her nostrils, and let her know it was me; I murmured random praise to her; finally, I began to rub and scratch her delicate head. She totally relaxed; it was so peaceful. I just kept murmuring, “I love you, I love you…” And rubbing her and letting her nuzzle my stomach and kissing her face, and hugging her, and just being with her.

Then Laura called, and we had to go. I actually almost cried when we were leaving; I was surprised at how much it took to be perky. I just felt really… detached. But she’s so unconditionally loving… it’s hard not to be taken in. I just love her so much…

Shit, I’m crying. Damn. Okay, one second. x)

Okay, better now. (: But, yeah. Then I came home and watched a movie since it has to go back tomorrow and posted here and now I have to take my dog out and go to bed.

Oh – I just thought of something that basically perfects fits my mood about the filly right now. But it’s too long to post in here (which is long enough anyway), so I’m going to make a quicky blog after this. Love you guys :) –tbk

written from my laptop, finished 11 46 PM [Tues, Mar. 10, 2009]

ride & show – also life

2009-03-06T21:10:00.001-08:00

I have school to do again! Yaaay! I’m not at my dad’s! Yaaaay! Although, sorrowfully, I had to do six assignments in science – which I’d normally love – only five of them were freaking exams! D: I had to take the module 2 regular exam I skipped ‘cause I didn’t know I had to take that one and the advanced one, the module 3 advanced & regular exams, and the segment 1 advanced & regular exams. As well as the oral assessment over the phone w/ my teacher. Oy vey! I just hope my love for the subject doesn’t go out with my hatred of doing stupid, tedious quizzes that are basically the same except one has more questions, so I don’t see why I couldn’t just complete one. (A)

Tuesday was history class and einstein class. The latter is, you guessed it, about Einstein. Whoopie. History class is pretty fun – except I have to memorize allll the presidents! In order! WITH first names! And somtimes initials! WHAT THE FUCK?!
If you didn’t know, I suck at memorizing stuff. But I’m going to write down all the ones I DO know in order. I have to know all of them by next Tuesday. Did I mention that?

George Washington
John Adams
Thomas Jefferson
James Madison
James Monroe
John Quincy Adams
Andrew Jackson
Martin van Buren
William Henry Harrison
John Tyler
James Polk
Zachary Taylor
Millard Fillmore
Franklin Pierce
James Buchanan
Abraham Lincoln
Andrew Johnson
Ulysses S Grant
…and then I always forget that guy
James Garfield

That’s the first freaking TWENTY, not counting Mr. Stupid Idiot Whose Name I Can Never Remember. What the hell? I suck at memorizing! It. Just. Doesn’t. Stick. Ughhhh.

To move on to a more pleasant subject, I rode on Wednesday. New course, fun, rode well, finished up. Then Bonnie and I played a card game called Horse Show and I brought it home, since she was coming over the next day. She had no homework for me to do, (I love doing the crosswords & word searches <3) but that was okay. Laura finished painting her new breathwork studio! She also added carpet. I am so excited for her! Especially since I’m helping her with color, design, and interior tips. (A)

As I mentioned earlier, Bonnie came over on Thursday. It was fun! I did school while she was at school and she went to the barn, then she came over and we hung out and played Horse Show and The Game of LIFE. I won. Anyway, she went home, Les (my mom’s bf) slept over, and I didn’t do any laundry.
Bonnie came over today, too. It was fun! Only. I finished up an hour before my mom, my sister, and Bonnie arrived – turns out my mom went to PayLess Shoe Store to try on shoes. That explains it. I would’ve done something, but I was sure they’d show up at any minute! Ughhh.
Anyway, it was fun! We played Horse Show again, and The Game of LIFE again – only it was more fun this time. (I won again.) Jill, Bonnie, and I have an ongoing joke that whenever we buy things we CERTAINLY don’t want to spend money on (thousand-dollar art, boats, $90,000 CABINS BY LAKES), it’s our husbands who buy it all without our permission, which pisses us off. So Bonnie was reluctant to get a husband.
“I don’t want to get married!”
“Well, you have to.”
“Noooo! He spends too much!”
“Well, divorce him later. If my husband buys anything, I’m divorcing him. Once I get to the point where I can STOP: Sell Your House & Buy a New One, I’ll divorce him if he’s spent too much money.”
”…If my husband spends too much money, I’m throwing him in the lake.”
”!!! *laughs*”

Well, sure enough, her husband bought something she didn’t want almost immediately, and she threw him in the lake, where he drowned. Aww. Poor Bob. Oh, well. Later on in the game (yes, I’m describing our board game to you in detail. The storyline was interesting. You’ll see. If you’re bored, go ahead and leave), she had a BABY BOY. I had a BABY GIRL from the turn before… Uh, she never got named. Come to think of it, neither did my husband. My family was basically perfect, by the way… Well, that’s not important.
So anyway, she and Bobby lived more or less happily with her $70,000 salary and job as a Tech Support. (“Oh, yay! He can’t miss his father because he was killed before he was born!” –revelation from Bonnie soon after Bobby’s addition to the car) And then… there came the cabin.
A vacation cabin by the lake – 90,000 dollars. Since she had no husband, she was forced to admit that her son had probably bought it off eBay and didn’t want to tell her. Well, she threw him in the lake. Yep. Her own son. This family needed a therapist, but to quote Bonnie, “I don’t think they have them in here…”
Then, on the very next turn, she bought something else that she didn’t want! …Wait. Her husband was dead, as was her son. So she must’ve bought it. “Oh… So I probably bought that cabin, too.” Whoopsies.

We fished her son out of the lake – he was alive! And then she committed suicide. There was a LIFE SAVING OPERATION space 9 spaces away (yes, I remember. Don’t judge me), but apparently her son bore a grudge and let his mother drown. That’s messed up. Then he had a midlife crisis (no doubt from the murder attempt, then apology and suicide of his mother). He got a new career… and a much lower salary. He also got married, but then he lost a lot of money that he would’ve received if he’d taken a different job offer. So he jumped off of a building into a parking lot. Aww! Suicide, just like his mother. And on their honeymoon, too! D:
That just left Bobby’s widowed newlywed wife. She successfully enhanced her salary and made it to the end of the game (however, my people ended up finding first Bob in the lake, then on the way back to the church for the burial, Bonnie and Bobby, which probably shook them up a bit). But they still won. Hah.

Bored yet? Thought so. Oh well, you’ve read this far, so keep going anyway. There’s not much more; I promise!
Les is bringing me to Bonnie’s house at around 3 45 tomorrow for my lesson and horse show prep. Then I’m sleeping over, and then there’s the horse show. Oy vey! Busybusybusy.

But hey… It keeps me entertained. ;) I just wish we could’ve played LIFE a little bit longer. $3C0ND & TH!RD G3N3RATI0N, BBY. be jealous of our pwnsome [prounounced: “pone-sum”] board game stuff.

And, yeah. I know you want to play LIFE now. Just don’t go stealing our storyline. Knock yourself out, bby ;)

Wish me luck in the horse show! I’m off to bed now. Wow, it took me a really long time to write this. Would you believe I started right after Bonnie left, once I’d brushed my teeth? Wow.

written from my laptop, finished 12 10 AM [Fri/Sat March. 6/7, 2009]

new course (at last)

2009-02-28T10:24:00.001-08:00

I haven’t updated in the last two weeks because I haven’t felt like it. Oddly enough, the only thing I’m really, really enjoying is doing my school and riding! And sleepovers at Bonnie’s. ^^;
Right now I’d love to be doing M/J Science 3, however, I need to complete an oral, and my teacher hasn’t called me back all week! Ughhh.
Note to self: I should get on my instant messaging program and IM with all of my loved friends. That should make me feel more… satisfied? Less bored, anyway.

Anyway, I’ve been having my usual lessons, working on that same course. I was having a lot of trouble with it, but I finally got through it and Bonnie thought up a new course! It was yellow (around the coop that would come before it, like in a line), turn to the first jump in the diagonal line, cut across to the coop, to the outside, to the green, and finally, the diagonal line. I think. *laughs* I might have left out one.

This course was so much fun. Tonka was bad, but I really let him know I was in control, and we got through all of the jumps beautifully. It was so much fun! We finished early, and read for, like. Two hours. While Laura struggled with hooking up their stupidly overcomplicated computers to wi-fi. Poor Laura :( She’d had a very unsatisfying/not very progressive day.

Oh! I slept over at Bonnie’s house last Saturday, and got to see the filly. (Who, I found out, has another name: Chip. Wtf?) It was almost perfect. Almost. Mainly, it was just Bridgette and Alex – two girls at the barn. I used to think they were nice, but just not good riders (…they aren’t ^^;). Now I think they’re really freaking annoying! They started following me, and Bridgette was doing “fun things” with the filly. Mainly teasing her (which she evidentially didn’t like, considering the way she responded) and picking lush green grass, then making her follow her up and down the fenceline before she finally gave it to her. Ughhh. So annoying! Bridgette’s been “sheltered,” by her mother. A barn cat (the nicer one!) scratched her eyelid because she was being stupid and holding her like a baby and annoying her. She went to the fucking emergency room and had the cat quarantined while they tested for fucking rabies! What the hell?!

Anyway, they were annoying. Dumb girls who act immature/somewhat retarded (not the insult, the definition) always get to me. I can’t be around retarded people. It’s not that I’m prejudiced against them. I just can’t do it! D: Brittany, for example, in my homeschool group, is retarded. So one day we had class together, and we were talking about birthdays.
”I’m sixteen,” She said proudly.
”Really? Cool!” We all gushed. We’re nice to her; I’m nice to her. I still can’t stand her. It’s kind of sad.
”Yeah,” She said. “I look a lot older, don’t I?”
”Oh, yeah, definitely.”
”In fact…” She pauses, and leans in, then whispers, “I’m wearing a B-R-A!”
”Um, cool! ^^;;”
”Yeah, I usually just wear, like, an undershirt or something. I’m not really that comfortable wearing one yet.” She was getting steadily louder, and there was a table of eight boys around a foot away.
My best friend, Lexa: “Canwepleasegetoffthistopic?*ahem* ^^;;;;”
The table mutually agreed, except for Brittany, who just seemed a little confused. Poor Brittany :(

She also likes this guy who’s now around two or three years younger than her, Casey. So, this week she said to him, “I know you’re noticing how different I am, and you want to ask me out. But I’m not ready for that yet.”
Casey was mocking her later. I was in his group; he’s cool. He’s mean. But he’s funny, and bearable. However, I’m one of the three girls who don’t like him. >>; How annoying.

Anyway, I just can’t stand her. You’ll be polite, and nice, and she’s often rude and mean in reply! Or she’ll just get this hurt look and glare at you like you’ve done this terrible thing by asking to borrow a pencil. Annnd she’s rather conceited, too – which I can kind of get, since a lot of people are nice to her.
For example: We were in groups, completing various activities, and Brittany started to say – rather snobbishly, which surprised me - “You know, I’ve been in two girlscout troops with Danica and Alexa.” My best friends.
”Um, cool! :)” –me
”Yeah… we were never close, though. I mean, we didn’t have that much in common.”
“Oh… yeah.. ^^;”
”But, I mean, I wouldn’t have been friends with them anyway. You know, I have so many right now! I have sooo many friends. ^^”
”0-o; Um, great.”

I get increasingly frustrated with her as the day goes on. I really hope my child isn’t retarded; I’m not sure what kind of a mother I’d be. D:
Yeah, I got off topic. Oh, well. That’s life at the barn!

written from my laptop @ my dad’s, finished 1 23 PM [Sat Feb. 28, 2009]

“ahhh!”

2009-02-15T20:46:00.001-08:00

Today was an eventful day! I couldn’t wait to write about it.

So it was arranged that Bonnie would be at my house at approximately 10 00 AM, and we would scooter up to an ice cream parlor near my house and get some ice cream, then stop off at the pet store and get her a new net for sifting hay out of Tonka’s water bucket (her last one she’s had for years; it doesn’t do much good).

So she came over, and we played outside, and got ice cream & the net, and went to the park, and then I got permission to go over to her house! We’d really wanted to go to this park by her house that has a longlonglong trail that ends up at this pond. But Laura said no, so instead we decided to go over to the NO TRESPASSING VIOLATERS WILL BE PERSECUTED nature preserve across from her house. Turns out her dad had once called a county, and since they were residents, they could go in after all.

First of all, let me say this: the nature preserve is a nature preserve. It has nature within it that would naturally live in Florida. One of those animals is the wild hog (http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/LyraEDISServlet?command=getScreenImage&oid=3369299). Bonnie’s gone there with her parents and by herself since she was six years old! So we got to the preserve and walked down the main path, turning onto an old overgrown one. “Wow... This place has grown a lot since I was last here,” remarked Bonnie.

So, it turns out we went down the wrong path! Once Bonnie had figured that out, we were both more than happy to hightail it out of there. We kept going, and I was freaked out about the pigs (it sounds unbelievable, but one actually chased a hunter up a tree in there; the police came and found him. I don’t remember the details...). Bonnie told me she’d never seen one in the all the times she’d never seen/heard/found any kind of a sign of wild pigs except for a large number of wallows. (They look like this, only in a deep, dark abandoned woods:
http://www.jesseshunting.com/images/hog-wallow-tejon-4-13-02.jpg) I was freaked out until Bonnie told me they were small (I thought they were the size of cows. What?!); like potbellied pig size.

We got to the “oak glade,” as they called it, and we found around fifteen flipping wallows! It was fun at that point, though – no wild pigs around.

“See, there’s a wallop.” –B
"Ohhh! And that’s one too?” –me
"Yes.” –B (I’d been asking her if every small dirt bump was a wallow! *laughs*)
”And that’s another one!”
”Yeah...”

So we were about to turn the corner and go deep into the woods when we heard some freaking rustling in the bushes! Like, not lizard/armadillo/squirrel rustling. Like, big freaking animal rustling. And, oh yeah. A grunt like this:
http://www.junglewalk.com/Asounds/pig_grunt.wav

At that time, I decided I would haul ass out of there. So I turned. And ran. As fast as I could. Out of there. For a long time. Bonnie was mad, because she waited a little longer to leave (“Oh my god, I was so stupid!”). She waited to see if it was a hog, since she couldn’t believe one actually appeared. She heard a squeal. Then she hauled ass, too – and fall on her face as she tripped on a wallow. She was angry because I was so far gone, I didn’t even notice. *laughs* Ooooops.

So, yeah. We had 1 near-death experience, but escaped with no wild pig chasing us. “Let’s keep going!” Yeah, we’re dumb. We don’t even know why we didn’t go back home.

We kept walking until we’d almost reached the end of the reserve. There was a dried-up riverbed for part of it, but then we got to a place where the water was all green and algae-ish and gross. I’d like to point out now that I am freaking scared of alligators. It’s been a chronic fear of mine for around four or more years now. Fun, huh?

So, I saw bubbles in the water. “Oh, god!” I’d just been thinking about how it was, like, perfect gator habitat. I told Bonnie about the bubbles, but she thought the water was a little too scummy – even for gators. But she was interested in the bubbles. “Probably just a fish...”

Still, I was scared, so we ran back anyway. But Bonnie really wanted to reach the end of the reserve, and I felt a little silly/embarrassed about running from bubbles, so we turned back. Bonnie was a foot from the riverbank’s edge, making sure she didn’t look at the water and freak herself out. and I was on the edge of the path, staring in; quite panicked.

We keep going... And going. For one or two minutes. I look at the water and do a double-take. Oh my friggin’ god! An alligator head, sure enough, and just beneath the scummy surface was the perfect outline of its body. It was around... 7-9 feet long? Good lord! We were right beside it, too. I grabbed Bonnie by the shoulder and said quietly, but urgent: “Oh my god, there’s a gator!”

She looked at me, kind of freaked out. “Seriously?” [note: she thought I was kidding because she knew I wanted to go back and have chronic gator fear)

“Yes! Run!” I was close to tears; we turned and ran like hell. For... a very long time. Which is why I nearly passed out afterwards. This one time, a group of other homeschoolers & my family took a field trip to the dump. There was a park nearby, with a lake. A couple of guys from the group started playing catch with a football, and it fell into the lake. So, the head hauncho of the boys, of course, Casey, went to go get it. And. He fell in. So he was laughing and getting the ball, and we noticed a gator. Approaching him. We all yelled, and his mom actually jumped in and got him out. Turns out, people had obviously been feeding that gator (look up gator feeding). That was a few years ago, but I had a well-developed fear by then. I ran to the car and locked myself in and wouldn’t come out. And then we left. ^^;

Anyway, after two possible near-death experiences, we ran/jogged/ran panicked for our lives all the way home. Fun, huh? An exciting day. I’m still freaked out! It was so, so, so terrifying. And yet fun. In an adrenaline-rush-ohmygod sort of way. Like watching a horror movie to creep yourself out... something like that.

No lesson because of the hike. I do think I’m sick again, though. Which really flipping sucks :(

written from my laptop, finished 11 45 PM [Sun Feb. 15, 2009]

trail ride; happy v-day!

2009-02-14T20:39:00.001-08:00

Today was fun! Happy Valentine’s Day :)

Valentine’s Day didn’t start out that great. You know, doing math can really burst a person’s bubble – especially if you didn’t get any chocolates.

I did math until around 2 30 PM, and then I went over to Bonnie’s. My mom’s boyfriend, Les, was driving his corvette – which, if you’re not a car expert, is a type of car that has only two seats. So I laid down in the trunk! Then, once we’d gotten to the barn, there were miscommunication issues, and Les & my mom had to turn around and come back to get us. Bonnie and I lied down in the trunk with the saddle and finally reached the house. God! Sometimes I find it funny, but it’s pretty freaking hurtful that they think so much of that car. "Hey Carly, do you think you can walk from the main road to the barn? We don’t want to drive Les’s car in the dirt." God! What the fuck?

Anyway, so we got to Bonnie’s and I had the sweetest Valentine’s Day surprise – from her mom, actually. We walked in and the mirror had cut-out paper hearts all over it, a jar of chocolate candies, and two balloons with gum attached to them. On two bigger hearts were notes to me and Bonnie – I was so happy! <3 Normally we never have big Valentine’s Day... It was a nice change.

It was too hot, so neither of us felt like doing a lesson. (Besides, I’d already jumped that week, and I didn’t really have anything to do with show practice). So, instead, we went for a bareback trail ride – riding double! Tonka can carry around 150 lbs. and still function normally, and together, Bonnie and I weigh around 140. So, yeah. It was fun! I hadn’t been on a trail ride in a long time. I really enjoyed it.

Afterwards, we hung out with Laura for a bit... Bonnie’s coming over again tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it! ;)

Saw the filly briefly during my five minutes at the barn. I wanted to see her, but there wasn’t really any time, and there were tons of little kids around.

I also went to Wannado City on Friday with my homeschool group. It was fun! Not much I can really say about it, though. Look it up...

written from my laptop, finished 11 38 PM [Sat, Feb. 14, 2009]

wed lesson

2009-02-12T19:24:00.001-08:00

On Wednesday, I had a jumping lesson. It was so much fun! I’m always nervous before I jump (“Oh, gee wiz, that’s a scary thing to do!”) but once I jump once, I’m fine.

My course was the red jump (2’ 9” courses all the time now, by the way – see previous entries), rollback to the coop, to the outside yellow, sharp right turn, up to the green, to the diagonal line, coop to the other yellow.

Tonka was so naughty! It was fun, though, because I was very in control even when he wasn’t listening – I could turn him in a tight circle to make him stop, which I never think to do, I sawed slowly back and forth on the left and right reins – the only thing that’s effective – instead of jerking them really fast, which just annoys him and wiggles his mouth (he doesn’t feel any real tug) or just yanking back all at once, which makes him speed up and makes him mad.

The rollback was fast/bad the first four times, I think, then awesome the rest of the course. Then on the outside he cut in sharply right afterwards, to, like, the center, instead of going around the corner to the green like I asked him to. One time, he even took off barrel-racing around the other yellow’s standard, farted (bad sign with Tonka! *laughs*), did a tiny buck, and then stopped. After a while, I trained him out of it, which was so much fun! I love it when he’s bad like that. It’s… different, somehow. The sharp angles make it more fun? I don’t know.

Eventually, though, I got the whole course done collected and slow, while he paid attention. He jumped really badly, but we didn’t want to work him too much, so even though he jumped sloppily, we let him stop.

It was my favorite jumping lesson I’ve had in a while. Hopefully my next one is like it!

I would elaborate more on the rest of the course and lesson, but my mom’s been telling me to get off – I just wanted to post this first. Going on a field trip in the morning. Happy Valentine’s Day!

written from my laptop, finished 10 23 PM [Thurs, Feb. 12, 2009]

busy, busy…

2009-02-11T11:54:00.001-08:00

School’s been out of control, so I didn’t get a chance to update for a while.

My life has been so freaking busy for the last couple weeks! First I was sick for a whole freaking week, and then, since I didn’t do hardly any school that week, the next week and a half were filled with cramming in school (not fun). The week after that was DRAMA WEEK. Which was awesome, but time-consuming and kind of exhausting ^^;.

Stage rehearsal Monday, 4 PM – 8 PM, history/social studies class on Tuesday, 12 15 to 4 00 [includes driving time]. Riding lesson + big school day on Wednesday. Thursday, babysitting in the morning for 2 hrs and stage rehearsal w/ microphones from 4 PM – 9 PM. Friday, mom had a dance practice, Wonderland! dress rehearsal (so much fun!) , Saturday my mom had a dance performance, performance of Wonderland! (SO MUCH FUN) and then I had to go to Bonnie’s for horse prep and to sleep over.

On Sunday (show day!!) I got up at THREE freaking AM. I want to get up at 4 15, but it didn’t work out that way. I had to get up to use the restroom, and then I wasn’t able to get back to sleep D: It sucked. Then, after the show (more about that later) I went to my mom’s Goddess Festival at the Lake Worth playhouse! We went out to dinner and got back at midnight; god, I was so tired! I collapsed while waiting for the shower to be free. I slept in my contacts (nobody seemed to realise I had them on), so my eyes were all clouded the next day. It sucked, but got better within a few hours. I was so worn out! But I’m feeling much peppier now. <3

Okay, now let’s continue: show day!

I was kind of nervous, which is irritating since I’m normally not. Tonka was perfect in the first class, but a little lazy in the second. Strangely, I got a second in the first class, and a first in the second! *laughs*

In the third class, I got third place. He was kind of bratty there; when he moved forward, he kept trying to yank his head down, regardless of how many times I corrected him. The fourth class, I didn’t place in; it sucked because he was amazing in that class (what a good boy!), but right in front of the judge, another horse cut me off and Tonka STOPPED. Like, right in front of the judge. It suckeddddd. So badly.

The jumping class was iffy, but the jump was great – he refused to walk forward once I’d halted him until I slapped him. Everyone started laughing. It was so horrible. :’(

But I got grand champion in the first division! I’m pumped about that. My first grand! Yes!

The filly I saw, and she was a little skittish, but she’s normally like that at shows. I don’t blame her – after all, it was five in the morning! She was still sweet to me. <3

All in all, I had a great (if exhausting) time. Later today I’m having a lesson. Wish me luck! ;)

written from my laptop, finished 2 53 PM [Wed, Feb. 11, 2009]

horse show

2009-01-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

Didn't update since the 15th since I've been sick. God! Stuffy nose, sore throat, cough (-demonstrates hoarsely-) high fever, lack of appetite, and weakness as a result of the lastly stated symptom. I made it through the horse show - barely - and was so exhausted thereafter that I went to bed at nine o'clock PM! I'd better be well before the next show.

I'm amazed I did so well. I was sick, for one thing, and the show company... err, thing, had just moved to a different location, and Tonka isn't the greatest in new places. ;)
If I was one of those people who get really nervous before they show, I couldn't have competed - I just about threw up because of the sickness, anyway.

The first two classes were bad... Tonka was very lazy! I only got honorable mention in those two - that's like 7th place; you don't get a ribbon. In the 3rd class, I got Tonka to be more energetic - but now he was naughty, ugh. He yanked on the reins any chance he got, and attempted to be bad in front of the corner almost every time. I was shocked when I got a 4th in it! I hadn't expected to place.
The fourth class was much the same; another 4th. Then came the fifth/last class - jumping a simple X.

First we walked and trotted around the ring, as usual, and finally we were told to line up behind a specific rider. I was last - lucky!
My two-point was okay. Ish. Well, I thought it sucked, but apparently it looked fine (but needed to be a bit bigger). I trust Bonnie's judgement here more than mine - like I said, I was basically delirious from throat pain and withheld coughing by that point.

Tonka did a botch-up jump, but our halt was nice. I expected maybe.... 5th? But no, sixth and fifth, then fourth, passed without my name being called. I didn't even get honorable mention - I was pretty sad.
"Second place is rider number (removed), Carly (removed) riding Tonka (removed)." Oh my god. Wow!

According to Bonnie, if my twopoint had been bigger, I would've gotten first - but then again, Laura said that the judge was terrible - he gave all of the first place ribbons to an average rider with a poorly-performing, but very flashy horse. (No, she wasn't saying I should've gotten more than that - there were other girls in the class, and almost every one was better than her...)

Still, my twopoint could've been better. I was pretty pleased - 2 4ths and a 2nd when I could hardly speak? Not too bad! Later, Bonnie's dad, Carl, asked me if I picked up my reserve champion ribbon (if I haven't explained it before, the classes make up divisions, and there is a second [reserve] and first [grand] champions of the entire division) yet. I got reserve? What? Cool!

So, yeah. I got the ribbon.
It was fun.
I died later, since I'd gotten up at four freaking thirty AM.

But it was fun.
Sometimes not.
But for the most part.
Fun ;)

But hey.... that's life at the barn!
written from my mom's laptop; 3 35 PM [Mon, Jan 19, 09]

update

2009-01-15T14:13:00.001-08:00

Sorry I didn't update there for approximately a 10-day amt. of time. Time got away from me. Not too much to report... it wasn't that things didn't happen. It just seems kind of stupid to report on all of my lessons in ten days when nothing unusual occurred. Well, I'm still jumping 2' 9" courses. It's fun!

I haven't seen the filly since that last date.... however, show day is approaching, and if we get there earlier, I can go see her. Unluckily, she's sometimes still munching hay when that time comes - and, as any horsey person should know, it's kind of hard to separate horse and food if you've nothing else to offer.

I'm really pissed at my dad right now. God, I hate him. My mom wanted to swap weekends so I could make my show, but he "didn't feel comfortable" with it - even though it's been fine every other time. So he had to pick us up on fucking Thursday and return us Saturday. What the hell? Jil (my sister, in case I haven't mentioned it) l misses two of her Tae Kwon Do classes - which she may or may not be able to make up, and needs to in order to get her black belt by April - and I miss my last gymnastics class. Why? Because he had a fucking meeting near us, so he could pick us up!

You may be thinking it's convenient, so we shouldn't make such a fuss. But my mom offered to take us down Thursday night, so we could work on school, Jill could only miss one TKD class, and I could get to my gym class. But does he take the offer? Hell no! That might make things easy for people. Easier for him! But it's worth it to fucking make my mom miserable as she tries to help us. Well, fuck you, dad. God...

Sorry for cuss-filled paragraphs there. I had to get that off my chest. Anyway, since we're here until (fucking!!!) Saturday (he'll "do his best" to "try" to get me back in order to have time to prepare for the horse show, btw), I should be updating often enough. Mostly just to rant about him, though. I'm afraid no horse stuff will be going on until show day.

I guess that's all for now. Thank you for reading!

Please, please comment if you read the entry! It makes me feel so good and I'll write more often.

written from my laptop, finished 5 25 PM [Thurs, Jan. 15, 2009]

horse-related

2009-01-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

I somehow forgot to mention in my last entry that I was having a sleepover with Bonnie starting at 3 30. Or, at least, it was supposed to - my mom was running late getting dressed, so we arrived at the barn 7 minutes late (we were picking her up, then going back to her house to be dropped off). Thus, I didn't get to see the filly. It was Ayla's birthday - Ayla being Bonnie's friend at the barn. She loves Bonnie - she tends to kind of hate me when I'm around, since I direct some of Bonnie's attention away from her. But she's really nice! <3

Anyway, so no-go on the filly. But I did have an exciting lesson (Got back to her house, did barn chores - shoveling manure! - have lesson, watch movie, be hyper/bloated, go to bed). I jumped 2' 9". The highest I've ever jumped before was 2' 3"! It's technically only 6" difference, but since Tonka is a Welsh Pony, it feels the same as if you're jumping 5 feet. I was really freaked out, but according to Bonnie, I did well for such an extreme scale compared to what I'm used to!

Poor Tonka was exhausted, so we gave him a flake and a half of hay, rather than his usual 1/2 flake, and a handful of grain. He needed it, though - Bonnie vowed to get him in better shape (she used to jump him all the time, but now she doesn't anymore).
We took extra good care of Tonkers, then had macaroni and cheese and biscuits (home-style, Bonnie's mom's specialty, and my favorite) and watched Shrek 2. After that we were hyper and couldn't get to bed until around 1 45.

We slept in until 10 30, though, so that was good - especially since Bonnie is kind of sleep-deprived. Then we went to the barn, arriving at 12 on the dot. (Laura/Bonnie's mom is a lot better at getting to the barn on time!) I hung out with the barn girls - Bridgett, Ayla, Lindsey, and Katie that day - and had a blast with them, then checked out the filly once they were busy with their horses.

Oh my gosh! I was so happy to see her, and so relieved she remembered me. I went over to her and let her sniff me; blew into her nostrils to give her my scent, etc. She let me scratch her head and hug her, and croon, and just feel all around blissful. She still only lets me do that with her, as far as I know. I'm so vain; so proud of it. I can't even begin to put it into words.

And guess what? Her cut! It's been there for around 2 years now, and, to quote Bonnie, "It just randomly decided to heal itself." No longer huge, bleeding, and raw, it was completely healed over except for two hairless patches, which weren't even raw skin anymore. I was so happy! It was still swollen, but not nearly so bad as it has been. She didn't even flinch when I accidentally scratched it - before, that would have sent her backing away with her head way up high.

I really am excited. I was reminded again of why I'm quitting my gymnastics - in hopes that I can see her every Thursday morning. I'm totally at peace around her. I can just finally let all of my nagging worries and doubts fall behind. It's a very relaxing feeling.

We left the barn at 1 45 and got back at 2 00, and I had a quick 20 minute show practice. I did well! I was proud of myself. Tonka was a very good boy.
After that, Bonnie and I showered and got ready for an "Ala-Teen" meeting our moms were forcing us to go to. It's like AA/Alcoholics Anonymous/Al-Anon, only, well, for teens. IT WAS TORTURE. In fact, I'm in a good mood after writing about the filly, so I'm not even going to discuss it. Nope.

...And then we went out for pizza. It was nice - if you're ever hunkering for some awesome, unique pizzas (Apple pie pizza, macaroni and cheese pizza, alfredo pizza - or even just veggie, pepperoni, and cheese pizza!) look up "CiCi's" on Google. It's the way to go, believe me.

That's all to report for now. That's life at the barn!
written from my laptop, finished 12 15 AM [Sun/Mon, Jan. 4/5, 2009]

color quiz

2009-01-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, this doesn't really have anything to do with horses, but Duskeh found this color quiz, and I took it. The results were scarily accurate. I recommend it.

My results are below:

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.
I am insecure. With Duskeh, especially. I'm so confused... I just wish some things would stay the same. I'm never exactly sure how she feels, or what she's thinking - it's upsetting, somehow. I love the moments when we just chat, and I feel relaxed.

Your Stress Sources
Delights in the tasteful, the gracious, and the sensitive, but remains her attitude of critical appraisal and refuses to be swept off her feet unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore keeps a strict and watchful control on her emotional relationships as she must know exactly where she stands. Demands complete sincerity as a protection against her own tendency to be too trusting.
Again, the accuracy is incredible. Not much more to say other than that...

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.

Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but restless and inclined to be emotionally withdrawn, which prevents her from becoming deeply involved.
[Last paragraph] - um, I'm 13, but okay.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of experience. Wants to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt, to win, and to live intensely. Likes contact with others and is enthusiastic by nature. Receptive to anything new, modern, or intriguing; has many interests and wants to expand her fields of activity. Optimistic about the future.
I believe this to be true... not much else to say about that.

Your Actual Problem
Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by her need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.
It's the truth. I've dreamt of living on a mountain, or in some sort of reserve, for many years - it would just be so peaceful. However, it'd be hard to get electricity in a place like that, and I know I couldn't function quite so happily without clean underwear.

There we go. Reflect on that, if you wish, and take the color quiz yourself. Duskeh's results were also very accurate!
http://www.colorquiz.com

tonka's wild ride

2009-01-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

Didn't get a chance to blog yesterday because of schoolwork.

Yesterday's barn drop was less than satisfying. My mom was late in returning home, so we got at the barn at around 1 30 - when Bonnie was ready at 1 15. If we'd come at around 1PM, I might've had fifteen minutes to spend with the filly - as is, I would've had around five. Only, I didn't even get that. You would expect the barn to be nearly deserted on New Year's, but apparently not. So many girls were there! The back-barn is kind of off-limits when other people are around. Bonnie trusts me, so Jen lets me go back there - but the little kiddies shouldn't go. What will happen is they'll go "Ooooh, horseys!" and start poking them, and then they'll get their fingers bitten off and we'd all die. So, even though there weren't many tikes around, I refrained, anyway - the older girls at The Barn weren't really welcome at the back barn, either; although they have a lot more sense.

Anyway, I didn't get to see her at all. However, since my mom was late, I didn't have time for a lesson (Bonnie was going camping w/ her dad at around 3 30, and she hadn't packed yet), so we went for a trail ride (my first in months, since she started school! SO much fun) along the canal outside her house. You go down the road by their house until you reach the main road; then there's a long stretch of grassy canal that's great for trail rides.
After a short encounter with some dirt-bikers and two obnoxious girls in a canoe, it was my turn to ride (having only one horse, we switch off every 15 min). I normally canter up and down an especially long stretch of canal, and then Bonnie gallops the way back (and, since Tonka refuses to stop, normally more than that).

However, Tonka got... excited. He completely tuned me out, and began galloping down the canal. I tried to turn him in a circle, but I got dumb and thought he'd run into the canal (I knew it wouldn't happen, but it freaked me out, and so Tonka knew I didn't mean it). Trying to turn him the other way crashed him into trees, and so he spooked at them and went faster. We were nearing the road, and I was scared, but exhilerated - and having the sick sort of fun that comes with an adrenaline rush.

I was hopeful Tonka would stop when we reached the road, but he turned the corner and galloped onto the hard road (I say that because he excellerates when he runs on concrete). I was freaking out by then - although, strangely, I had the time to send up a quick thanks for having a helmet securely fastened. I had thought about doing an emergency dismount, but I didn't want Tonka galloping around the neighborhood riderless.

I suddenly realized I was leaning forward, clenching the reins. I sat back and relaxed my spine, pulling back my shoulders, and spoke soothingly to Tonka. It almost worked - he slowed his gallop. But then a dog barked, and he spooked and was off again. He galloped a few more yards before I soothed him again, and he fell into a trot, then a walk. I was so relieved, I hugged him and told him he was a good boy, anyway. He obviously wasn't.

I turned him around and met up with Bonnie in her socks (she couldn't run with boots! *laughs*). We took him back and I trained him; trotting down the canal, and then back the way I had come before (this time, Bonnie was standing there so in case he began to gallop, she would stop him. It's funny to watch; she stands in his path and throws her arms up and yells, "BLEUUUUUH!" and Tonka gets so freaked out). Then I cantered down and trotted back, and finally cantered them both. We then walked back to her house - because of the incident, we were waaaay late for Bonnie packing.

I was very proud of myself, though - that's the second time I've ever galloped, and the first time he ran away with me at a gallop. Bonnie was proud, too - she's an amazing rider, and she said that she always used to fall off around the corner when Tonka did that. Granted, he was probably bucking at the same time, but I was so happy I had stayed on - and stayed calm, even though I was panicking inside. It was... fun. But I wouldn't want to do it again for a couple of months!
After that, though?
...Sure. ;)

seeing filly - 1 30

2008-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. Well, that's assuming anyone reads this. I got my first comment the other day, and thanks very much! Comments keep me writing, assuming that people will read my words and appreciate the confused feelings I have right now (especially with sexuality. But you really might not want to know that 0-o).

Anyway, Bonnie came over last night - it was fun. We watched a movie, and played and stuff - but that's not why I'm writing. (Although, it's fun to brag about your trainer being your friend, who you can poke fun at all the time, but still teaches you how to ride in a great way. Yeah. Be envious.) I have a lesson every Wednesday. Normally, Bonnie's mom, Laura, picks me up after her work (4 00) and I ride when Bonnie gets off the bus. However, because of Xmas vacation, I get to ride earlier in the day. Not riding by dark is awesome, let me tell you! *laughs* (Note: This is safe. She has a huge ring light that lights up half the ring, so we only use that half, and we don't jump when it gets too dark.)

But I'm getting sidetracked. Now I'm being taken to the Barn by my mom, and I get around 3 min visiting time with the filly (see last post). Which isn't much, but hey! It's better than nothing. Barely.
I have to do school before I can go to the barn; I have to finish an assignment by 1 30. It's 11 37 as I'm writing this - and I haven't worked yet. God. I hate how distracted I can be. After this, though, I'm working on it. Wish me luck. Cross your fingers - but only the ones on your right hand! (It's bad luck to do both, or the ones on your left hand.)

The filly and I haven't made much progress so far this month. I've only seen her a couple of times - which would actually be great, only, like I said, it's for hardly any time at all, and she's normally got her hay at that time, anyway.
I'm hoping all of the trust I've built up hasn't been blown away by the lack of time we've spent together. And, I don't get to see her for the show until the 18th - the show got delayed to that weekend. More time I can't see her. But, I am quitting gymnastics soon. I'm hoping to be able to go to the barn every Thursday morning - when no one but Jen is there - to see the filly for a 1/2 hour to an hour. I think it'll make a big difference.

On a random note, I got a Nintendo DS for Christmas. I bought Nintendogs with my own money - but not Horsez. It would be too disappointing when I can't enjoy it because I'm too concerned about the real thing. I know, I know. I'm a drama queen. I love it. So get over it, or click that big X up there by the corner of your screen. You know what I mean (;

11 43. I don't have much time for a 3hr assignment before 1 00. Whoops! Well, I guess I'd better shove off, then. (: I'll blog again tomorrow / maybe later today (the former is more likely).

To any Sunshine River membs. who read this: Thank you for reading my blog! I'd love it if you kept checking back here. -Withers

That's life at the barn.
written from my laptop; finished 11 45 am

hey (:

2008-12-14T21:39:00.001-08:00

Hey all. (: TBK/Kitten/Barn here. *laughs* I just started this blog. Swapped around the backgrounds & such to my liking... and now I'm just down to the post before it's officially "started."

Although I'm sure no one will read this (I wish!), I'll let you in on what this blog is about.
Okay, let's take this very slowly. D: I wouldn't want you to get confused. Ready?
My (-points to self-) life (you know, that thing everyone's trying to get a meaning out of?) at the (connecting words; very important) barn.
Got that? Well, fooled you! That's not even the hardest part.
I know.
I'm sorry.

You see, I have a funny little twist.
I don't go to a barn!
Wow.
You didn't see that coming, did you?

I take riding lessons from my friend who owns her own pony. And before you get all judgmental and crap, she's an amazing instructor. In fact, I'm doing just as well as the other girls from the barn she goes to (my mom can't afford riding lessons for me at her barn atm). She bought a messed up pony and trained him until he was golden.
And, yes. She's also younger than me. *laughs*

But where there's horses and barns, you will often find drama, as many of the barn cats of the world will let you know. At The Barn (as I will now refer my friend's barn to), someone's been stealing hay. And Jon, the IDIOT owner of the property (he leases to Jen, the trainer) owns a couple of horses so he can get on every couple of months and play cowboy with his drunken friends. Oh, and did I mention he has a couple paso finos in "the back barn" (Jon's barn, really run down)? Two of which are fillies; one of which is a poor gelding who will probably founder if someone doesn't do something with him soon. He looks pregnant! His name's Heneral. He also cribs. He's made two marvelous dents in the metal of his stall door. Who knows how long that took?

Then there's the gray filly, dubbed Luna by me, but Houdini by some at The Barn - although normally she's just "the bigger filly" because Jon is too much of an idiot to actually name the poor girl. She apparently used to be sweet, but she's become nasty after all humans put her through. No one likes her - it's sad, really. Everytime I'm in the back barn with someone else, they always say, "That filly's mean. She'll bite'cha! I hate her." However, she's perfectly sweet to me - I just know to give her her space, along with little bits of kindness. Of course. She did charge my trainer/friend (who's name, btw, is Bonnie) when she went to let her out from her stall into the paddock. Bonnie doesn't like her, and neither does the filly - it's fun to watch them play together. x) Sometimes I wonder if it's not a loving relationship. She's called Houdini because she managed to somehow get out of her stall so many times! I call her Luna, since she's going to be white, like the moon.

Lastly, there's the filly. Yes. The filly. Aka "Tootsie Roll" and "the little filly" (wow, goes great with "the bigger filly," doesn't it?) - and I call her New Moon. She's a sort of dusty-brown grullo right now (Heneral is all white - well, gray, really, but you know what I mean - and Luna is gray, with a moon-white face). I call her New Moon in private - I don't really want anyone to know I've named her, and besides, it's kind of like her Secret Name - like in the Phantom Stallion books. The Phantom's secret name was Zanzibar. He trusted that name; he knew it. And so I tried that technique (I know it's corny, so sue me). And believe it or not, I think it worked. She knows me, at least. When others are around, I just call her "pretty girl" - not the most original name, but it's cute.

Before I continue with the filly's condition, let me state that she is the reason I started this blog. In hopes that someone would read it, and understand how completely lost I feel - you see, Jen may move the horses to a different barn, and Jon's horses - being his - will stay in the backbarn, and I would never see the filly again. And I can't buy her, either, since she's completely untrained - you can't even groom her (although I can't blame her for hating most humans; especially men). I love her so much... and it's an incredible feeling.
"You'd be amazed at what you go through when you're in love.
You'd be astounded by what you go through when you're in love with a horse."

My heart literally melts when, when her stall door is open, and I call out "Heyyy, pretty girl," while she's in her stall, she walks/trots her odd little Paso Fino gait over to me, ears pricked in welcome. And when I approach while she's in the paddock, she immediately does the same thing, with no beckoning involved. She'll also come inside if I call from the stable and she's out. I know for a fact that she only does this with me. I love her so much...

She has a huge gash on her right cheekbone. It's been there for almost a year now - once, Jen and Ruben put medicine on it (and did it by roughly manhandling her with her halter, which made her fear men; or at least Mexican men). However, they've given up on that. So that ASS Jon is just letting it sit there, because he'd rather buy beer and party with his friends than pay a vet bill to check out his OWN HORSE.

She also has some sort of internal blood infection (which could be fixed if only she could have a couple regularly scheduled vet appointments), so it's all swollen all the time. And then she rubs it, and it bleeds, and gets all pussy, and flies and other bugs land on it, and so they bite it and make it swell and itch more, so she keeps rubbing it. When people visit her, it helps, but there's only so much I can do if I only for sure can see her once a month - for the horse show. It's not fair to her.

I'll try to take a pic of her and her wound with my phone and put it here, but if the camera freaks her out, I won't. It's not worth it - even though every time I see it I want to call a horse rescue center. You can see the intelligence sparking in her eyes; and she's so sweet and trusting once you get past that wall of suspicion, fear, and wariness humans have built around her. I can't believe she has to be trapped in a hellhole like that. Too many if's and wishes of mine to count have been spent wishing I could have her, and train her like a normal horse so she wouldn't be ruined by STUPID paso fino training. If God were willing, that would be my dream.
But until then, I just have to work with what I have.

Welcome to Barn Life!