promise

Promise me you won’t leave
And I promise I’ll stay forever
Promise that you’ll love me
And I promise I’ll do whatever

Promise me the moon
And I promise you the sun
Promise me the stars above
And I promise you already won

Promise me a wish
And I promise you a dream
Promise me no broken hearts
And I promise you a scheme

Promise me you’ll promise
To do what must be done
But don’t forget, a promise
Can become a broken one.

 

That poem was inspired by the promise I made to the filly the last time I saw her before she went away: to be back. It doesn’t matter how much you mean what you say: a promise is a promise, and a promise can always be broken.

 

Anyway, moving on to something more cheerful, I want to clear up some stuff. In my last post, I mentioned lost progress, but I’ve also mentioned (some time ago, really) that the filly was much less shy. That was true for a time, but at this point she’s skittish again, although hopefully not as much as she was before. What I was trying to stress was the broken connection; it was like she didn’t know me. She wasn’t really scared of me, but she wasn’t of anyone. It was like I was just one in the crowd, and that was almost as sad as when I learned she was gone in the first place.

What if I’d known? What if I had known that she was leaving, but in nine long months, I would see her again? It was like my promise had never been broken… only compromised. So is a damaged promise better than a broken one?

 

Onto the clinic:

I got up at 6 45 and got ready; we left at 8. Once at the barn, I visited with the filly and generally just hung around with the girls at the barn and Bonnie as they readied their horses (Bonnie had already gotten Tonka ready for me, since I couldn’t be there the night before). We left with Tonka and a pony from the barn, Jack, and when we got there, unloaded and groomed and hung around some more while waiting for Jen to arrive (she had to make an extra trip to pick up a horse). Once she was there, everyone tacked up and we headed out to the ring. Basically what we did was practice with different types of jumps, and longer courses. The facility was really nice. It even had a huge covered ring with lights, and footing that was shredded carpets mixed with sand (probably around $600,000 overall), although we didn’t ride there – just walked out our horses. It was amazing. I had a ton of fun. :D Tonka got fast once, but he was pretty good otherwise.
I really need to get better with my leads, though. :( I can’t even check them anymore. I know that I need to be looking for one leg going out further than the other, but I can never tell. It’s so embarrassing. I want to ask Bonnie how to check them, but that’s even more embarrassing – I’ve been riding and cantering for years, and I pick now to tell her I don’t really know how to check my leads? I mean, sometimes I guess right, but others I don’t. I’m just lucky that Tonka always changes  them for me if they’re wrong.  *sigh*

 

Well, that’s what went down this weekend. Peace. :)

Love, TBK

written from my laptop, finished 2 44 PM [Mon, May 17, 2010]

--> Read more...

a new start

I owe you all (*waves to empty space*) an explanation. It’s been so long… It feels strange to be blogging again. Strange, but kind of nice. In a weird, unfamiliar way.

 

This year has flown by so fast. I can’t believe May is already half over – I can’t even believe it’s May. It feels like stuff keeps happening, and I can never catch up. Some of it I won’t say here, since I’ve learned that no matter how much you want something to be private – well, it’s the internet. Nothing’s private. So some things I can’t say… but other than what I can’t tell, I’ll give you the lowdown:
Well, for one thing, I’ve moved this week. We’ve been in the process of selling our home since… well, a while, and I’m glad we’re finally out. I’ve been so stressed out, thinking about money – I still am, but it’s easier not to panic when we’re renting such a nice house for now. It’s by the beach; yay :)
School has been taking up a lot of my time, but I haven’t even thought about blogging; to be honest, I never thought I’d update here again. But I’ve been thinking, and I want a record of this time. Besides, it’s a good way to process my thoughts.

 

Ugh – I really don’t feel like blogging about RL right now, so I’ll just skip to who I actually do want to write about: the filly. My filly.
For a while after she came back, I was hesitant about approaching her again. I could remember the hurt, and I know that she won’t be here forever. I have no idea how much longer we have. I thought, it might just be better for me to distance myself from her now – build up a kind of wall between us, and block out the hurt. That’s what I did for a couple months – I basically treated her like any other horse.
Then I realized what I was doing. This was  the horse I literally sobbed over nine months after I’d last seen her. We had something special, some kind of connection. And to let that go to waste now that I had the opportunity to be with her again was appalling.

One really disappointing thing was all of our lost progress. Before, she was always happy to see me, and came as soon as I called her. Now it was like she didn’t even know me; I couldn’t hold her head, and I most certainly couldn’t call her in and out of her paddock at will. But, over time and the short visits I’ve had with her, we’re slowly getting back to where we were. She changed a little during her stay… well, Elsewhere, but she’s still my pretty girl, and I love her just as much.

Today was a pretty big landmark for me. I went to a clinic with Bonnie, Jen (Bonnie’s trainer), and girls from the barn on Tonka. It was really fun, but maybe I’ll talk about that tomorrow. Anyway, so I had some time at the barn, and I visited the filly.

 

First, I was in for a shock. Her cut was SO much bigger. It goes through these cycles where it gets very large in the summer, and practically heals up completely in the winter. Bonnie and me think that it’s because of the flies: in the summer, she gets itchy, and rubs her face. Once she reopens her wound, the flies swarm on it, and it itches more. It’s terrible. I wish I could have her – but my family doesn’t have the funds, and more importantly, I don’t have enough knowledge or experience, for that. Still – I can dream, and I hope that one day I am able to buy her, once I’ve moved out and have a job with which to support all of the expenses.

She and Luna had also switched stalls, she was shod, and her whiskers were trimmed (which is a big thing for me, since she’s NEVER had her whiskers trimmed as far as I can remember). Once I said hello, and scratched the poor girl’s face (her cut looks so terrible, it’s got some yellowish thing in it. I think that may be the medicine they put on it, but I can’t tell), I went out to the paddock fence and called her: Heyyy, pretty girl. I clicked a few times, and she came out to meet me. It’s not the single-call instant greet we were at before, but it’s a huge step in the right direction.

(I would have taken a picture of her, but my phone was almost dead and it wouldn’t let me use the camera.)
I feel so bad, though. Her cut itches so much, at first she only scratched herself on her hay and didn’t bother to eat it. I asked Bonnie if a fly mask might help her, and she said it might, but you’d be hard pressed to get one on her. She’s right.  I just wish she weren’t so wild… but the sick thing is, that’s why I was first attracted to her. But now that I know her, I just want her to feel better.

Anyway, it’s getting late, so I’ll have to leave off for now. I’m always surprised at how much I type once I get into it. This is definitely something I need to continue, and I’ll make a note to keep updating. Hopefully weekly, but I’ll see how it goes.

 

It’s good to be back. :)

Love, TBK

written from my laptop, finished 1 09 AM [Mon, May 17, 2010]

--> Read more...

english assignment - filly

First we met,

On that fateful summer’s day

First I saw you,

And my heart melted

Faster than the sun would allow

Your eyes were soft and trusting

Although your plight was great

My heart went out to you

And so our bond was made

You knew me more than others

You came at a single call

My heart would swell with love

When I looked at you

But then you went away

And my dreams and hopes

Were crushed by cruel reality

Yet I could not stop myself

From wishing, praying, yearning

To see you again

One day a message came

That made my heart spring forth

And jump for joy

I could not believe

The words I read

How long had it been?

A month?

A week?

A year?

But you had returned

Soon I was able

To see you again

But now you do not remember

Those fateful summer days

When I would laugh and cry with you

And we would escape reality together

Now I can’t help but build up a wall

Between us – you and I

A wall I never before

Would have dared to create

For what will happen now?

Will it be a month?

A week?

A year?

When will I lose you again

To cruel reality?

How can I bear it again

The pain that I went through

But how can I stand

To not reach out to you?

You’re different now—

They’ve changed you

But your heart is still the same

Your soul, too

Remains as it was

On that fateful summer’s day

Love, something in

My gut tells me

To give it one more try

And that “to love and lose

Is better than not to love

You at all”

Let’s do this now, together

Working at it

You and me

Let’s do this now, together

We’ll make it, girl

You’ll see

--> Read more...

merry christmas!

Is it possible that my filly’s return was a Christmas miracle? I don’t mean to get all sentimental, or foolish, but… it just seems like it was too amazing to be a coincidence.

 

Anyway, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Holidays, depending on if you celebrate it. I had a very pleasant day – mainly because I didn’t have to go to my father’s house at 10 00 AM like last year, which ruined Christmas entirely. Bastard. (Moving on.)

It was lovely. I spent a lot of time with my family, including my grandpa, and tomorrow my mom and I are going to go shopping. I’m going to my dad’s at noon, which is why I’m on so late (I’m getting up at 6 45 AM, gah). I have to do laundry and pack, since I won’t have time tomorrow. *headdesks repeatedly* Why didn’t I do this sooner?

 

I felt like I left out Luna/Houdini when I wrote before. Well, let me sum it up with this picture:

Get away, bitch!

Luna’s grouchier than usual. Then again, that might be because she doesn’t remember me – who knows? But I missed her, too. Mostly because I loved watching her and the filly touch noses. She’s prickly, but not altogether unkind. Sort of like the characters you see in books. I don’t know. I feel a kind of wry affection for her. *shrugs*

 

I so wanted to see her again – the filly, that is – today, it being Christmas and all. But I can’t just randomly show up at the barn and crawl through the fence, you know? Bonnie wasn’t going today, so I couldn’t ask if I could stop by (however awkward that might have been). I  won’t be able to see her tomorrow, either. AUGH. I want to see her again. I need to see her, so I can reassure myself that she’s still there; that she hasn’t disappeared, like a shadow in the night.

I pray that we’ll have a little longer to be together this time.

 

happy holidays! –tbk

written from my laptop, finished 11 31 PM [Fri, December 25, 2009]

--> Read more...

…is you ♥

[see last entry]

I actually burst out crying. We considered going straight to the barn before my lesson, but I'd get there too late. So we went straight there.

 

When I got to Bonnie's, she verified that the filly was indeed back. She didn't know why – but it turns out that she'd been back for a while, but Bonnie hadn't known it was her. After my lesson, I went over to Bonnie's dad's house (have I mentioned she lives with him now?) for a sleepover.

(We watched Home Alone. Best movie ever.)

In the morning, we went to the barn.

 

She was there. I don't know how long I spent stroking her, and telling her I loved her. She was different – better trained; less scared. Her face is now dappled gray, too. Soon I think she'll look like that all over. That's how Luna looks.

Apparently, Jon sent both fillies to some place in hopes of selling them. I don't know how it worked exactly, or really any details, but I guess they were trained while they were there. The other day, a man came out and rode her! She's still green, especially when you consider her age, but she's much improved. I just hope that this time we have a little more time to spend together before she's sold (I think Jon may not be trying to sell them anymore; I hope not).

 

She remembered me – or, at least, I think she did. She would follow me in and out of her stall (like, through her paddock) and when I walked a long way down by the fence before calling to her, she… I don't know what to call it – it was between a trot and canter. *shrugs*

I love her so much. God, I love her. I want to stay with her forever. I don’t want to have my heart torn again.

Since she was less skittish this time, I was able to take a picture of her! I took two, actually, but only one turned out well since I took  them on my phone. She doesn't look too great in the picture – she's more beautiful in person – but it means so much to me just to be able to see her. :-)

all my love, tbk

written from my laptop, finished 1 51 AM [Thurs, December 24, 2009]

--> Read more...

all i want for christmas…

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You

Allow me to narrate the events in the order that they happened:

 

December 20th was the Solstice. It's the longest night in the year. I was at my dad's that night, where they celebrate the Solstice by lighting the Yule Log (it has holes drilled in it so we can put candles in). As each person lights their candle, they make a wish. My sister and I "partnered up" and both lit our candle at the same time. We each made a wish.

My wish was, I wish I could see the filly again.

I was thinking that, with that wish, I would let her go in the new year. Later, we returned home with our mom. I did schoolwork until around 3 (I had to make an ethnic dish for my world history class. I made Welsh Tea Cakes; they were surprisingly good). Then my mom and I drove to Bonnie's, where I would have my lesson.

I'd had to charge my phone earlier in the day, and so I hadn't checked my text messages. I did so in the car. I had a text from Bonnie, so I opened it. I lurched forward and said "oh my god."

This is what the text said:

Bonnie (1)

{Mon. Dec 21 01:10 pm
Guess what? The filly is back!!!}

 

I have to go clean my room right now, but I'll finish this later. Sorry I have to leave you on a cliffhanger. ^^;

--> Read more...

shy

That’s it. I have to do it. I’m afraid he’ll fucking kill me, but I have to visit Jon. Yes, the previous owner of the filly. The gun-owning drunk Jon. I’m also going to ignore the embarrassment of going in front of the barn girls. I’m going to ignore embarrassing Bonnie. I’m going to ignore Jen thinking I’m stupid. I have to do it.

 

GOD, I CAN’T FUCKING LIVE WITH THIS. I’ll have no choice if he doesn’t have her papers, or a location, or something. I’ll have to live with it. But I can’t live, thinking there’s something I might be able to do in order to find her. I’m too FUCKING SHY! GOD. If there is a divine force up there – God, Allah, Vishnu, or something else entirely – grant me strength. Grant me courage. Please, please let things go smoothly. Let me find my filly. Let her be safe. Let her remember me…. please. God, please! I’m begging you. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I need to know. I can’t always wonder. So… please. Please help me. I promise I’ll make an effort to have faith, and to keep up with my school, and defeat my procrastinating habits. Dear Lord/Allah/Vishnu/someone-else-entirely… I am begging you, help me find the love of my life, my filly, again.

---

If anyone actually still reads this forgotten blog, I’d love to contact you. You can send me an email at frozen.smiles@live.com (I also have MSN, so if you’d rather talk via that, ask me for it). Hopefully some creepy 50-y/o man doesn’t contact me. But right now, I just need someone who understands this. I can’t let out all this angst and fear and grief to any of my friends. At this point, I’ve made it into a joke with Bonnie because of my accursed shyness, and to tell my other friends would make things… awkward. They don’t know this side of me; this side that wants to scream and die if I can’t see her (don’t worry, the “dying” is a very small, irrational part that’s always largely outvoted). Or, if they do, they haven’t told me.

 

TBK out.

written from my laptop, finished 9 49 AM [Tues, December 15, 2009]

--> Read more...