happy easter?

I’m pretty annoyed at myself that I haven’t blogged more this week. I mean, from Thurs-Sun, I’m at my dad’s, with nothing else to do. I’d like to blog, but I open a new post and my thoughts go blank. Until, of course, right about when I’m brushing my teeth (with my totally awesome electric toothbrush for two minutes that I now can’t live without. I’ve never had an electric toothbrush before… *squee*), when I’d really just like to go to bed. You see my dilemma.

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of ideas for blogs – and, oddly enough, one of the subjects I remember being vaguely about grass. How’s that for entertainment, huh? Oh, god. I’m turning into Jon! (not the ass – the confused cat owner in the newspaper.) Which could probably have to do with the large number of Garfield comics I’ve been reading today. Although, not as much as Jill – since Thursday, she’s read approximately 20 years worth of newspaper Garfield comics. In order. *implodes from fat cat overdose*

Speaking of fat cats, we went over to Kristyn&Kevin’s house (have I mentioned them? Well, Krysten is Michele’s oldest daughter, and Kevin’s her husband). And this vaguely relates since they have a blind, fat cat named Presley. Or Pres. Or Pretzel! They found him on their doorstep (literally) and took him in (literally). Then, later, they found out he’s blind. So he doesn’t actually run, like, ever. He slowly moves through the house and makes sure everything’s safe. Which explains the chubbiness. With his thick, fuzzy fur, his big eyes, and the slowness, it makes him seem like an adorable child (which is completely opposite to Lucy, their mutt with some greyhound. She’s so hyper! *laughs*)
Anyway, we went over and had dinner and got devoured by mosquitoes and had a boring time (well, while we were outside. Otherwise it was fun!) and had iced tea and then colored Easter eggs. Oh, yeah, happy Easter!

We had a garage sale this morning. I sat in the hot, hot sun for five freaking hours, and earned eight freaking bucks. Eight. As in, ten-minus-two-eight. Jill earned the same. I earned more money washing my mom’s car. When I was, like, ten. I forgot that about garage sale stands (we ran the sodas, fyi). I’d go into why we had a garage sale, but that would take forever. And this entry isn’t about the garage sale. So hah.

Anyway, I obviously haven’t seen the filly, since I’ve been at my dad’s (damn him). It sucks, because Laura’s pretty busy with her school (she’s in school, like, every day… I’m not sure exactly what she’s earning ^^;), and she has to do rebirthings (Laura specializes in liberation breathwork. Google it), and substitute teaching, as well as regular mom pickup/dropoff stuff. So I hate to ask her to just clear time and go talk to someone she thinks is insane just so I can see if a horse is or is not there.
And, oh my god, I pray she is. So much. I need to see her... You’d think that, after all this time (around two months, I think. just saying), I’d stop thinking about her, but she occupies my thoughts whenever I’m just doing something quietly. Which is why I kind of almost cried tonight, when Kristyn said, What’s the matter, pretty girl? to Lucy.
I haven’t heard anything from Laura, but I really hope she remembers about it. I’m actually pretty doubtful – not that Laura wouldn’t care, but she doesn’t know how important it is to me that I know if she’s there or not. It’s like this one last thread of hope, and I’m clinging to it, while dangling off of a building two hundred feet high. I can hold on, and be rewarded when it grows into a sturdy rope – or I can climb to safety, before I fall into the darkness below me.

In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to find my own meanings in songs (often popular ones played by my favorite radio station...). First was Untouched, by The Veronicas. Next was Come On, Get Higher by... oh, I forget his name. And now Halo, by Beyonce. Look it up, if you want. It’s really touched me. Like the others, I didn’t think of the filly the first time I heard it, but suddenly she popped into my head, and now, like for the others, whenever I hear it, I desperately cling to that image – I can’t let it go. I won’t.

...I don’t want to sound petty/mean/hurt her feelings, in case Duskeh is reading this (I’m not sure if she is or not – why would she? But I don’t know what goes on in her head, so...), but quite frankly, this is my blog, so I can express my thoughts if I’d like to. I’ve noticed I’m feeling a lot healthier – mentally – since our friendship ended.
I’m not staying up worrying about how mad she’ll be if I didn’t get on. Or in tears after what she’d said to me that had hurt me – or what I’d said to her that had come out the wrong way. I’m no longer torn between my virtual and real-life friends – I don’t have to feel guilty if I’m sleeping over with my BFFs, and I’m chatting with them instead of IMing on my laptop well into the night, like I could. I’m totally free of that worry/guilt/anxiety, and I’m feeling totally energized.
I really hope it doesn’t sound mean to say this, but our relationship wasn’t healthy, anyway. I mean, I wouldn’t get on and IM for a few months, and she’d go mute. Like, in real life (we talked on the phone sometimes) – to her family; friends. She might have been making it up (I don’t think so, but I can sometimes be gullible ^^; ), but regardless, the effect it had on me wasn’t healthy. It meant I had to get on – had to be on for hours every week, or I’d risk hurting my friend. Our relationship was almost like... an obsession with each other. I don’t know. But I can honestly say I’m glad I’m past it. I’m trying to get my life in order (What? A thirteen-year-old girl can’t have some dramatic self-sensing, um, revolutionary thinking time? Idk. xD). I just had to get that off my chest.  :)

written from my laptop at my dad’s, finished 10 47 PM [Sat, April 11, 2009]