imaginary breath

I haven’t posted for nine days (I know I do weekly updates, I’m sorry!) because there hasn’t been much to report. Well, that isn’t true. I just don’t feel like writing about it. I had a lesson... great. I have a field trip... great. I had a class, and a report. Great.
I’m not one of those people who decide that they’ve “given up” on life, or living. In my opinion, that’s a load of crap. If you “give up” on life, then it’s your life. If you’re still doing something, then you’re a liar. You can say, “My life feels pointless.” Sure it can. Go ahead and make the best of it.

Still, no law says I must write, and I’ll admit that I’ve felt depressed at the thought of typing up this entry. “So, I did [text] at my lesson, and this happened, and then that, and then this...” Don’t get me wrong, I’m generally happy where I am in life. Just not about this topic. Because what am I going to write about? I started this blog for the filly. I wanted to record our progress; my feelings. Important events. Well, here’s an important event: she was sold. I haven’t seen her since.
Now, there’s a slight fucking chance that I could see her again, but no matter how many times I remind Laura about calling her friend for maybe a twenty fucking minute meet-up, it’s always, “Yes, I remember, I’ll get to it” or “Right, I’m on it” or “Oh, sorry, I totally forgot. Yeah, okay, thanks for reminding me, I’ll get to it.” And I’m tired of it.
I’m not trying to bitch and moan about my life, and certainly not Laura – I love her to death, you know that – but it’s almost like, what’s the point? No one seems to understand the importance of it all. “Oh, it’s just a horse. And look, my taxes are due. I should pay those.” That is important, but so are my needs. Right now, I’m back to fucking crying when I think about her. Which means what? Basically, that I’ve given up. My subconscious has accepted it; I’m never going to see her again, so now is the time to grieve.
This doesn’t mean I won’t see her again. But it pisses me off that the one thing I need right now, the one thing that will make me insanely happy, everyone seems to think is so trivial that they can’t clear their busy fucking schedules. And that’s a really fucking sucky thing to think.

But, contrary to how it might sound, my life isn’t a total hellhole right now. I got to video chat with my grandpa this morning, I do have a field trip to a great, interesting place on Friday, and Nica and Lexa might get to go. If their little twin siblings are born tomorrow, that is. If they aren’t born by Friday, their surrogate will be having a C-section.
And my sister, Jill, is promoting to her black belt (probationary level) this Saturday. I’m really proud of her, and she’s very nervous. *laughs*

A lot of good things, and little bad. It just saddens me that no one seems to know that there’s a difference.

written from my laptop, finished 11 04 PM [Wed, April 29, 2009]