a new start

I owe you all (*waves to empty space*) an explanation. It’s been so long… It feels strange to be blogging again. Strange, but kind of nice. In a weird, unfamiliar way.

 

This year has flown by so fast. I can’t believe May is already half over – I can’t even believe it’s May. It feels like stuff keeps happening, and I can never catch up. Some of it I won’t say here, since I’ve learned that no matter how much you want something to be private – well, it’s the internet. Nothing’s private. So some things I can’t say… but other than what I can’t tell, I’ll give you the lowdown:
Well, for one thing, I’ve moved this week. We’ve been in the process of selling our home since… well, a while, and I’m glad we’re finally out. I’ve been so stressed out, thinking about money – I still am, but it’s easier not to panic when we’re renting such a nice house for now. It’s by the beach; yay :)
School has been taking up a lot of my time, but I haven’t even thought about blogging; to be honest, I never thought I’d update here again. But I’ve been thinking, and I want a record of this time. Besides, it’s a good way to process my thoughts.

 

Ugh – I really don’t feel like blogging about RL right now, so I’ll just skip to who I actually do want to write about: the filly. My filly.
For a while after she came back, I was hesitant about approaching her again. I could remember the hurt, and I know that she won’t be here forever. I have no idea how much longer we have. I thought, it might just be better for me to distance myself from her now – build up a kind of wall between us, and block out the hurt. That’s what I did for a couple months – I basically treated her like any other horse.
Then I realized what I was doing. This was  the horse I literally sobbed over nine months after I’d last seen her. We had something special, some kind of connection. And to let that go to waste now that I had the opportunity to be with her again was appalling.

One really disappointing thing was all of our lost progress. Before, she was always happy to see me, and came as soon as I called her. Now it was like she didn’t even know me; I couldn’t hold her head, and I most certainly couldn’t call her in and out of her paddock at will. But, over time and the short visits I’ve had with her, we’re slowly getting back to where we were. She changed a little during her stay… well, Elsewhere, but she’s still my pretty girl, and I love her just as much.

Today was a pretty big landmark for me. I went to a clinic with Bonnie, Jen (Bonnie’s trainer), and girls from the barn on Tonka. It was really fun, but maybe I’ll talk about that tomorrow. Anyway, so I had some time at the barn, and I visited the filly.

 

First, I was in for a shock. Her cut was SO much bigger. It goes through these cycles where it gets very large in the summer, and practically heals up completely in the winter. Bonnie and me think that it’s because of the flies: in the summer, she gets itchy, and rubs her face. Once she reopens her wound, the flies swarm on it, and it itches more. It’s terrible. I wish I could have her – but my family doesn’t have the funds, and more importantly, I don’t have enough knowledge or experience, for that. Still – I can dream, and I hope that one day I am able to buy her, once I’ve moved out and have a job with which to support all of the expenses.

She and Luna had also switched stalls, she was shod, and her whiskers were trimmed (which is a big thing for me, since she’s NEVER had her whiskers trimmed as far as I can remember). Once I said hello, and scratched the poor girl’s face (her cut looks so terrible, it’s got some yellowish thing in it. I think that may be the medicine they put on it, but I can’t tell), I went out to the paddock fence and called her: Heyyy, pretty girl. I clicked a few times, and she came out to meet me. It’s not the single-call instant greet we were at before, but it’s a huge step in the right direction.

(I would have taken a picture of her, but my phone was almost dead and it wouldn’t let me use the camera.)
I feel so bad, though. Her cut itches so much, at first she only scratched herself on her hay and didn’t bother to eat it. I asked Bonnie if a fly mask might help her, and she said it might, but you’d be hard pressed to get one on her. She’s right.  I just wish she weren’t so wild… but the sick thing is, that’s why I was first attracted to her. But now that I know her, I just want her to feel better.

Anyway, it’s getting late, so I’ll have to leave off for now. I’m always surprised at how much I type once I get into it. This is definitely something I need to continue, and I’ll make a note to keep updating. Hopefully weekly, but I’ll see how it goes.

 

It’s good to be back. :)

Love, TBK

written from my laptop, finished 1 09 AM [Mon, May 17, 2010]