goodbye & hello

If you couldn’t tell from that last entry, something awful/wonderful happened. The filly was sold. She went to a better place – quite frankly, almost anywhere is better than where she was. I found on Wednesday night. It… tore me apart.
I cried (unbeknownst to Bonnie and Laura) on the car right home. And hour/hour and a half once I got home. Depression for three hours… and again when my mom got home. And again, the next day, on and off for eight hours.

Luna and my filly were sold together, which is another great/awful thing. The first thing I said after I’d taken in the shock when Bonnie told me was, “At least Luna – err, I mean, Houdini – can keep me company.” That’s when I learned they were both gone. I also learned that their goddamn ass of an owner, Jon, had bought a new fucking horse. And guess what? It’s a foal/colt. Two fucking months old.
And any guessers as to what they’re feeding him? Hay! Of course. He needs formula! How the fuck is he already sold, away from his freaking mother?! Jon won’t buy the formula… no one else can afford to. The foal gets no pasture time. He’s locked in a dark stall (they boarded up the door… why the fuck would they do that?!) 24/7. Lovely.

He’s a sweetheart, too. His head is oddly-shaped, and he’s awful timid, but heck, he’s a foal away from his mum at 2 months – he’s coping pretty well. Bonnie and I sat in his stall getting acquainted with him for a good half hour. Oh, right – I slept over at her house. More on that later.
It was… easier than I thought, going into the backbarn. Night, who used to be in the stall across from Luna’s, had moved into the filly’s, and the foal – unnamed by me as of yet – was in Luna’s. Poor boys! The foal was desperate to see Night, and Night seemed equally curious. That foal has to be around other horses. I mean, what the hell!

Yes, he’s sweet… but not as sweet as the filly. Not as trusting (though who can blame him?). Not as loving. Not as gentle. Not… even close to her.
Still, I pity him – stuck in a hellhole like that. Oh – I learned later he’s not Jon’s, he’s Jon’s friend’s – but Jon is giving him a place to stay, and they’re both asses, so whatever. But Laura’s going to try to get permission from Jen to work with him; you know, put him out with other horses (especially Heneral – no danger for him there. Even if Heneral wanted to kick him, he’s so fat, there’s literally no freaking way. Heneral tends to sleep most of the time, anyway. xD), feed him formula (not like anyone could afford it, but we’d check) and just sensitize him in general to things like halters, brushes, humans, horses, etc.

I also have a dumb, stupid, freaking awful idea. It’s what’s keeping me clinging on the verge of sanity. Susan – that’s Savannah’s mom; Savannah owns Timmy, who Bonnie rides at the shows – is a very active barn mom. She knows… a lot. So she might have the contact information for the buyer of Luna and the filly. Hopefully they’ll be local – a local barn would be a dream come true; I could visit her every day/week (ifmymomwon’tletmecomemoreoften >>;).
See?! Stupid, stupid, stupid! But it’s the only thing that’s helping right now. I can look at the rip in the netting by her stall – where Luna always chewed, and they sometimes touched noses through (and then snorted and acted all offended, of course), and I can feel the memories swimming back, so clearly… And I can feel the tear in my heart – the void, once so filled with love, now suddenly… empty. Dead.

I need to see her again. I have to see my pretty girl. I have to croon to her, stroke that familiar, wonderful face, and I need to let her know she hasn’t been abandoned. I need to tell her it’s okay… and I need to make sure of that myself, too.

Oh, and here’s a totally unimportant note: I went to the Grand Prix and watched all the jumping and took pics by the jump and ran around the arena and almost got on TV.
But it’s not important. More later. –tbk

written from my laptop, finished 1 04 PM [Sun, Mar. 22, 2009]